Being in a family with manipulative people, especially if they are your parents, is one of the most confusing and painful things to experience. When the people who are supposed to protect you and love you are more concerned with themselves or with their attempt to control you and others, the long term effects can be devastating.
Narcissistic or unhealthy people don’t usually change just because they have children. In fact, it can get worse. This is a true tragedy, and not spoken about enough. Many, many people grow up with manipulative parents, siblings, or other family members. PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and other mental health struggles are a frequent result.
In this post, we are going to cover how to deal with a family dynamic including manipulative parents or other types of emotional manipulation.
First, let’s go over what a manipulative parent is and what manipulation tactics are. Then you can identify if you are in this type of family system or other relationship (or help someone you know with it).
At its core, manipulation is about control. On a smaller micro scale but similarly to a cult or high control group, manipulative individuals have controlling others as their focus (consciously or unconsciously). Sometimes this need for control is pathological or diagnosed, aka a higher level such as narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. Other times, it’s lower level but still damaging.
Manipulative parents tend to use control mechanisms like guilt tripping, silent treatment, withholding affection, or playing the victim. To most of us, it is horrifying to consider anyone doing these behaviors, much less a parent. But sadly, abusive or narcissistic people are who they are. More often than not, they are unconscious to the truth of their actions. They may be trauma survivors themselves who never healed, or they may have developed narcissism as a young child due to genetics or circumstances.
You can have compassion for their journey while still setting boundaries. You must realize that too much empathy (a way of life for us empaths) is actually toxic and will hurt you, not only emotionally but possibly physically, sexually, financially, or spiritually as well.
Setting boundaries or separating yourself from manipulation is obviously a lot more complicated if they are your parents. When you grow up in an environment with manipulation, it becomes normalized. You and other family members may not even realize it’s happening or that it is not healthy. You come to expect it and don’t think you deserve better. Or, you may realize this but struggle to break free or communicate your needs. In narcissistic family dynamics, your needs are not met. You may even be scapegoated – blamed or made an example of – for speaking up.
Here are the most common signs to look out for, then we will talk about how to deal with them.
If your parent frequently blames you for your mistakes or those of other family members, says their feelings are your fault, guilts you about what they’ve done for you, or puts you down in any way, they are manipulative. This is toxic behavior, and you don’t deserve it.
Emotionally invalidating someone means to ignore, disrespect, or try to change how they feel. If a parent is not comfortable with their own feelings, they are more likely to struggle with healthily validating their kids. It can range from mild to quite intense and damaging. Ideally, a parent allows and even welcomes the emotional expression of their child, no matter what (as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone).
Disapproval can be weaponized into withdrawal of affection or attention. Stonewalling or the silent treatment are other ways to describe this dynamic. Sometimes a parent has unsuccessfully tried other, healthier methods to correct or teach their child first. But even still, it’s never healthy to withdraw love or make the child believe it’s contingent on not making mistakes or adhering to rules. If love felt conditional or transactional in your family, there was likely manipulation present.
The theme of these signs is psychological control. Parents should not be controlling their children in this way. It’s a tricky line though, as of course parents do “control” their children by caring for them, raising them, enacting rules, etc. Perhaps this is why the topic of abusive parents is a bit more taboo or hard to digest. Inherently, we assume mom and dad love their kids and want what’s best for them. It goes against biology and nature to consider otherwise. But unfortunately, this scenario is not uncommon.
I think it’s worth noting that some parents do indeed love their kids and do some of these behaviors inadvertently. Not all manipulative parents are narcissists or abusive. It’s a scale, just like everything else.
Here are the two main steps you should take to cope with manipulation.
The first thing to try is speaking up. Your sense of self worth will benefit from naming what is happening or what doesn’t feel right. And it may help reorganize the family dynamic too. You can start with respectful language and “I” statements, where you focus on what you think and feel rather than making accusations.
If that works OK, move into boundary setting. Setting boundaries means communicating a need, or what you will or won’t do. An important caveat: If speaking out to the perpetrator or manipulative person feels unsafe, do so to a trusted ally or mental health professional first (or only).
Even if speaking up and setting boundaries with your parent or other manipulative person goes over well, it is always a good idea to seek support. It can be a friend, mentor, different family member, or mental health professional. Getting their perspective and encouragement is essential.
And if it’s a therapist, they can guide you through the hurt or anger you probably feel, plus the best next steps for your safety and mental health. These may include learning some more communication tactics, coping with distressing emotions, or treating symptoms or conditions. A support group is also an option.
When manipulation or inappropriate treatment comes from a parent, it is all the more complicated and traumatic to navigate. It is possible that they won’t be able to hear you or change. It’s definitely worth trying, but sadly many adults are unaware or defensive about their behavior or parenting. This is, however, NOT your fault or about your worth.
Congratulations for seeking answers through this blog. You have now educated yourself, and can take the next steps that feel right. Don’t hesitate to contact a professional; many of us need that! There is no shame in doing so, and in fact a lot of power. You are very courageous. Healing and healthy relationships are on the other side.
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