Most narcissists would simply not be able to function, aka manipulate, without enablers. And the majority of enablers are doing so unwittingly. They are usually caught up in the orbit of a narcissist’s actions without fully realizing the dynamics, or are abused themselves.
The term flying monkeys, originating from the classic and deeply symbolic film The Wizard of Oz, describes this phenomenon. The Wicked Witch of the West utilized the blind servitude of the flying monkeys to do her bidding and enforce her machinations. To hear about a prophetic, recurring nightmare I had about this witch as a child, read this blog here.
But in this post, we are going to talk about how narcissistic people tend to surround themselves with sensitive empaths and/or outright minions in order to use them. Plus, we’ll cover how to spot and deal with both narcissists and their enablers.
A narcissist enabler is someone who protects, supports, or flocks around a narcissistic or abusive person. One of the most frequent acts of an enabler is making excuses for or rationalizing away toxic behavior. They tend to fiercely protect the narcissist in various ways.
They may or may not be aware of how they are being used, but more often than not they aren’t. Narcissists thrive on blind loyalty, and often very smartly and insidiously gain the upper hand. They effectively manipulate people to be on their side or join the cause. Then, they weaponize this support in order to maintain control over other individuals, groups, or narratives. The playbook is frequently used on a mass scale as well as among individual people. Think about certain movements, ideologies, and belief systems, and how those have been weaponized over the course of history, as well as very obviously in recent years. Another way to describe this is a psychological operation.
The reasons for narcissist enablers doing so can be complex. Every situation is unique, but here are the top 4 likely explanations.
Codependent relationships occur when there is a high level of self-sacrifice, suppression of needs or feelings, and propping up of a self-destructive person – or a person destructive to others. I’m sure you can see the overlap and core similarities between enabling and codependency. This over-focus on the other person by someone with codependent tendencies can inevitably lead to enabling. It is often linked to narcissistic family dynamics from childhood.
Enablers may be caught up in the classic dance between narcissist and empath. Empaths are highly sensitive souls who feel and perceive at a heightened level. They usually struggle with boundary setting and people-pleasing. These tendencies make them vulnerable to an over-focus on and over-accomodation of narcissistic behavior. They worry too much about disappointing the narcissist or maintaining the status quo, and thus enable even if they sense it’s wrong.
For more detail about what happens when an empath leaves a narcissist, read this blog.
The enabler may be being abused themselves. Enabling in this case comes from fear of punishment, pressure, or trauma bonding. Trauma bonds are emotional attachments formed between people in an abusive relationship. There is usually one abusive, narcissistic, or controlling person in a relationship to a victim. The harm done may be psychological, emotional, physical, and/or sexual. And many people do not realize they are in an unhealthy connection until later when the fog lifts, or when they receive mental health support.
In perhaps more rare cases, the enabler may be a narcissist themselves. Or, they may derive pleasure out of controlling others or being part of the narcissist’s schemes. If so, psychopathy or other mental health disorders may be present as well. These sorts of people do not feel empathy for the shared enemy or victim.
The ways to stop being an enabler and also deal with enablers are similar. It comes down to recognition, and then stepping away and saying no.
Here’s your chance to set boundaries. Disengage from the narcissist or enabler as best you can. Start gradually, especially if you suspect that this person may get dramatic or aggressive. Decline invites, get busy doing other things, take a vacation. Make plans with safe friends or family members. Take a break from being around someone you feel pressured to defer or cow-tow to, or who you see doing that behavior.
As I have touched on, one of the central themes of both enabling a narcissist and getting caught up with an enabler is too much focus on their drama. As you start to create distance, it makes space to get back to yourself.
Your primary concern should be your own mental health and wellness. Are you taking care of yourself via healthy meals, exercise, stress reduction like journaling or deep breathing, or a bedtime routine? Alone time, rest, and reflection should help too.
Even if it doesn’t feel like you have PTSD, narcissistic abuse or enabling can have long-lasting effects. It’s important to get professional support and disentangle yourself emotionally as well as physically and psychically.
Tell a therapist or trusted ally what your plan is regarding extricating yourself from a toxic relationship or group. Maybe they can pick you up, help you move, be on call via phone, or whatever would be supportive in getting out.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to separate yourself from the manipulation tactics of toxic people. The fear and discomfort is what keeps many people stuck. But you can break free, and deserve to – and not feel guilty for it.
Support from loved ones and a mental health professional is usually the magic formula, plus educating yourself on the topic. You’ve accomplished step one through this blog. Now, go implement these steps in your life or help someone you care about do so. I’m rooting for you!
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