Family dynamics can have a significant impact on mindset, wellbeing, personality, and life overall. While no one is necessarily destined to repeat their family patterns, they may play a large role in our experiences.
Dysfunctional dynamics in particular are very common. Unfortunately, they are arguably more prevalent than healthy ones. Defining a healthy family is somewhat subjective too, and very few people grow up without struggle, loss, or toxic situations in this day and age. Dysfunction can lead to unrealistic expectations, abuse, and more.
Read on for guidance on narcissistic family dynamics, the signs, and how to deal with the circumstances. Then, you can hopefully move forward to healthier, happier relationships.
Narcissistic families usually involve a narcissist or narcissistic people, hence the name. Narcissism, as with most things, is a scale. Some individuals are pathological or diagnosed as a narcissist, aka have antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Others have these traits in a mild or moderate way. And we ALL have some narcissism, which is actually healthy. These qualities are part of good self-esteem. For example, narcissistic traits include self-confidence. It’s when they tip the scale too far toward one end of the spectrum that they become detrimental. This may appear as entitlement, need for control, and lack of empathy.
When there are strong narcissistic family dynamics at play, it can cause a lot of heartache and division. Family members may feel resentful, confused, ignored, mistreated, hurt, or angry – and not quite understand why.
Here are some more specific signs of a narcissistic family:
Here are some of the most common “roles” that people play in a narcissistic family structure. No one is usually playing these roles consciously; it is an unconscious or inadvertent reaction to the personalities and dynamics happening.
This is the narcissistic, manipulative, domineering, or abusive individual in the family system. Their behavior or treatment of others is sometimes referred to as narcissistic abuse.
The scapegoat is the one who is unjustly blamed. They are often very perceptive, sensitive, or outspoken. They might be a truth seeker or the person who sees what is truly happening. For this reason, the narcissist or other family members unfairly say that this person is the problem when they are not. It’s almost like a diversion tactic: “Look over there, not at my behavior!”
The golden child is the “chosen one” or crown jewel of the family. The narcissist may praise or ally with this person (or vice versa). There’s usually a reason that benefits the narcissist’s life or reputation, like making the family look good via certain accomplishments or charisma.
The enabler supports the narcissist, either consciously or unconsciously. They may know or suspect that the behavior is not right or healthy, but they go along out of fear or maintaining the status quo. Enablers are often codependent, meaning they people please or caretake others to a toxic degree.
While current data are not definitive, anecdotally narcissists do tend to run in families. And shared experiences like trauma, conditioned patterns, world view, or lifestyle can definitely contribute to narcissistic tendencies (or opposite tendencies as a reaction: strong empathic and empath traits).
Being in a narcissistic family system often leads to struggles with low self-esteem and self-worth. This is because you were likely not treated with proper love, care, or respect.
You may wonder, am I too sensitive or are they mean? But your sensitivity or needs are not the problem.
It is completely understandable to feel angry, or even rageful. Your needs have not been met, and that is not fair. Some people react with aggression or blaming others, and some internalize the rage. It’s arguably healthier to blame outward sources, because it is actually their fault. Even if someone isn’t aware or capable of owning their faults or abusive behavior, psychologically that is the truth of what occurred. And exploring this is usually what brings the most progress in healing.
Self-blame on the other hand, particularly among sensitive people, often turns into depression or anxiety. This phenomenon is heartbreaking and very common. You are in essence shouldering the narcissist’s shame or accountability that they are not able to. It’s a coping mechanism, but not healthy for you.
The two ends of this spectrum of sorts, are narcissism and empathy. Exposure to these types of family dynamics tends to breed another narcissist (or very narcissistic person), or an empath (very empathic person).
Taking space is important. This includes physically spending time away from the family dynamic, or even moving – as well as emotionally separating. You’ll also want to learn how to protect your energy as an empath. Even if you’re not particularly empathic, learning self-protective tools and skills will help you greatly.
Remember that the personalities and reactions of your family members are not your fault, and not because of you. It’s true that relationship dynamics are affected by both/all parties, but this is not on your shoulders. Narcissists usually wreak havoc, and that is not about you. Part of healing is learning that nothing is wrong with you and you didn’t do anything to deserve abuse or neglect.
Narcissistic dynamics can be very tricky, and very painful. They are insidious, and sometimes we need help. Processing your feelings, releasing shame, and setting boundaries are just a few of the therapeutic processes that a mental health professional can support you in successfully completing.
Best wishes on your healing journey. Narcissistic family dynamics are difficult, to say the least. But by taking the steps outlined here, you can begin to recover your sense of self, worth, and identity. As you become emotionally available to yourself and others, healthy relationships are not only possible, but are sure to find you. Feel free to reach out to me with questions at erin@centeredone.com.
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