Most relationships seem great at the beginning. You haven’t yet gotten to know the person fully, and there are a lot of positive expectations and maybe even idealizing going on. Sad to say, but oftentimes things change as we see and experience more. We’ve all (or 99 percent of us) been there.
Not everyone realizes they are in a toxic relationship or unhealthy dynamic. In fact, most of the time people don’t understand that they have become attached to a narcissist or controlling person. Once they eventually leave or escape, or finally can’t ignore their intuition sounding the alarm any longer, a new perspective arrives.
Ideally, you are armed with the right knowledge before a relationship starts, or right at the beginning. That’s the purpose of this blog, to help you have awareness about the difference between love bombing, aka unhealthy relationships, and interest from a genuine person.
We are going to cover what exactly love bombing is and how to decipher the difference between that and showing genuine interest. The red flags usually appear in the early stages of a relationship. Understanding and identifying the early signs can save you a lot of time and heartache.
Keep reading for more details on what love bombing means, looks like, why people do it, and how to break free.
Love bombing, or the “honeymoon period,” is when everything seems perfect and the victim thinks they have found their soulmate, perfect friend, or happily ever after in some way. The controlling person mirrors everything their target desires, likes, and fears. This means they make them feel completely seen and accepted. The pace is usually lightning fast as well.
The love bomber flatters, pursues, validates, and adores (seemingly). The love is false, phony, and manipulative. It’s done to draw the person in and then get them addicted.
The love bombing stage can happen in friendship dynamics, work situations, and familial relationships as well.
Yes, love bombing is real. As always, trust your gut when interacting with others. If you start to feel uncomfortable or like something is off, listen. Your intuition or spidey senses are picking up on a lot more than your logical mind.
The length of the love bombing period varies, but a common time frame is 1 month to 18 months. Love bombing may lessen or go away completely, as abusive or erratic behaviors take over. Or, the love bomber may also bring it back intermittently.
This intermittent reinforcement, where positivity, admiration, or attention is mixed in with neglect, abuse, or put downs, is the most addictive and toxic relationship dynamic. The brain literally becomes addicted to this abuse cycle, in part due to the false hope that eventually the “love” will prevail and the early golden period will return for good. Animal studies prove this phenomenon, so don’t beat yourself up for getting entangled or stuck into something like this.
Many narcissists or abusers love bomb unconsciously, but that doesn’t make it any less damaging. Others do it consciously. It tends to stem from the need for control that marks trauma bonds and toxic people. These people are usually very wounded themselves, but that is not your burden to bear.
Having unhealthily high levels of empathy makes many kind and sensitive people vulnerable. Compassion and concern for someone’s abusive past or troubles is honorable, but not when it puts yourself in danger in any way, including emotionally. For more on what is toxic empathy, read this blog.
The main reasons for love bombing include:
When you feel seen, embraced, or adored, it creates a sense of emotional attachment. You might think how lucky you are or how rare this person or connection is.
This emotional attachment may develop into dependence. You appreciate the flattery or attention so much (and maybe you’ve never been pursued that way before) that you become dependent on it, which creates vulnerability.
All of this love bombing triggers your emotions strongly, thus reducing your ability to see things clearly. If you were to take a step back and look at the situation logically, what stands out? Your perspective, or a friend’s, would likely be illuminating. But we may be blinded by the apparent “love.”
On the surface, you might ask why love bombing is bad. Fair question, as we all want and deserve love and attention. The difference lies in the intensity of it. Healthy love doesn’t need to be so over the top, and oftentimes literally can’t be. That’s why the term is “bombing.” This word has a negative connotation for a reason, aka TOO MUCH. Too much of anything is not good, hence other sayings like “everything in moderation.”
The proof is in the pudding. In other words, over time you shall see what happens. Healthy relationships don’t tend to turn sour or abusive, while a love bomber does bring on this change through their actions. Here are several of the classic as well as lesser known signs of love bombing, versus genuine interest.
Love bombing is conditional, genuine interest is unconditional.
Love bombers have a hidden agenda, genuine love does not.
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic, healthy love gives freely.
Love bombers shut you down, genuine love allows open communication.
Love bombing is wildly intense right away, genuine interest builds more slowly.
Love bombing switches to negativity or emotional abuse, a healthy relationship holds firm.
Love bombers punish you or withdraw affection, genuine love is consistent.
Love bombers make you feel guilty, genuine people do not.
Love bombers shame you for taking space or expressing your feelings, genuine people respect you.
Love bombing is like a sudden fire out of control, genuine love is a slow burn.
Here are some of the best and first ways to deal with love bombing.
One great first step to test the waters is to simply take a step back from the relationship. The person’s reaction will be telling. Is healthy space given to you? Do you feel safe to take a break or express your feelings with this person? Do they guilt you, blame you, or try to manipulate the situation?
Tell a trusted person, or more than one, what you are going through. Moreover, sharing your feelings with someone safe will lighten the burden you feel. They will also likely remind you or help you see that being treated poorly or abusively is not acceptable. So you can get out, and you deserve to. Hopefully they can support you throughout, which is often what gives people the strength to finally break free.
Love bombing usually indicates that a serious, unhealthy dynamic is at play. Therefore, professional help may be warranted. In addition to guiding you through how to leave, a mental health professional will be there to sort out the aftermath and any potential post-traumatic stress reactions (PTSD). They can also accompany you in the actual departure, especially if violence is a possibility.
Bravo for educating yourself about unhealthy relationship dynamics. Definitely get out of a dynamic with a love bomber. There are genuine people out there who will not manipulate you. It may feel like “no one better” will come along, but you owe it to yourself to demand respect. This is also about your health, both physical and mental. Narcissists, love bombers, and controlling people are unsafe. You are worth seeking better!
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