Many more people are aware of the concept of love bombing these days. In the mental health and wellness landscape, it has become a hot topic of sorts. While some ideas are overemphasized or misunderstood, this boost in mental health education and advocacy is definitely a good thing.
On the flip side, it’s unfortunate that love bombing is so common. It is usually a sign of a toxic, abusive, or controlling relationship. Learning the signs and how to effectively respond can save you a whole lot of time and heartache. A love bomber is using manipulation tactics either consciously or unconsciously. In this blog we will explore a roundup of ways to respond to love bombing when you see it happening, either in your relationship or in friends and family. I deeply understand this journey, both as an empath coach with a psychology degree who has studied these dynamics extensively, and as a fellow HSP who has experienced love bombing in both my professional and personal life.
Having a full understanding of what love bombing is will set the stage to identify it and respond. The red flags usually appear in the early stages of a relationship. Ideally, you are armed with the right knowledge before a relationship starts, or right at the beginning. That’s the purpose of this blog, to help you have awareness about the difference between love bombing and healthy relationships. Then you can recognize love bombing and respond accordingly. Maybe you’ve already experienced love bombing and are now trying to pick up the pieces. Good for you for seeking answers and healing.
Always trust your gut when interacting with others. If you start to feel uncomfortable or like something is off, listen. Your intuition is picking up on more than your logical mind.
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic usually employed early in a relationship. It is also sometimes called the honeymoon or golden period, when everything seems perfect (or too good to be true). The love bomber mirrors everything the person desires, likes, or fears. They make them feel seen and accepted. The pace is usually lightning fast, and there may be constant communication or large displays of affection. For example, the person may send you text messages all day long, call you frequently, or make displays on social media.
The controlling person flatters, pursues, validates, and adores. But the love is false, phony, and emotionally manipulative. It’s done to draw the person in and gain control. Many abusers or people with narcissistic tendencies love bomb unconsciously, but that doesn’t make it any less damaging. Others do it consciously. It stems from this need for control that marks trauma bonds and unhealthy people. These people are usually very wounded themselves, but that is not your burden to bear. This love bombing stage can happen in friendship dynamics, work situations, and familial relationships as well as romantic situations.
You might be wondering why love bombing is dangerous or if it’s always bad. We all deserve love and attention, and it feels good to be wanted. But healthy love isn’t as intense or over the top. This may strike you as boring. The word “bombing” has a negative connotation for a reason. Too much of anything is not good.
Love bombing dynamics inevitably turn sour – because the behavior is not genuine. And then things might switch back and forth. This intermittent reinforcement, where positivity, admiration, or attention is mixed in with neglect, abuse, or put downs, is the most addictive and toxic relationship dynamic. The brain can become hooked into this abuse cycle due to the false hope that eventually the “love” will prevail and the early happy period will return for good.
Kind and sensitive people can be especially vulnerable to narcissists who engage in love bombing. Their high levels of empathy may excuse away warning signs or problematic behavior. Compassion for others is honorable, but not when it puts you in danger in any way, including emotionally. For more about what toxic empathy is, read this blog.
Two of the main reasons love bombing behavior is dangerous are as follows.
When you feel seen, embraced, or adored, it may create a sense of emotional attachment. You might think how lucky you are or how rare this person or connection is. The attachment can develop into dependence. You appreciate the flattery or attention so much (and maybe you’ve never been pursued that way before) that you become dependent on it, which makes you feel addicted or desperate.
Because love bombing triggers emotions so strongly, it reduces your ability to see things clearly. If you were to take a step back and look at the situation logically, what is your assessment? Your perspective, or a friend’s, would likely be illuminating. We may be blinded by the “love” so much so that we don’t see warning signs or heed them. This can put people in unsafe or unhealthy positions where they are vulnerable to manipulations.
Here are some of the major signs of love bombing to look out for:
For more detail on love bombing vs. genuine interest, read this blog next.
Here are some classic lines and phrases that may indicate love bombing. They are often a red flag because they suggest the person is singling you out in a dramatic way, which is a common manipulation tool. Healthy dynamics don’t require these sorts of over the top sentiments:
Here are 6 initial ways to deal with love bombing. Respond as quickly as you can once you notice it.
One great first step is to simply take a step back from the relationship. Slow things down, either by asking for that or creating a bit of distance or a pause. The person’s reaction will be telling. Is healthy space given to you? Do you feel safe to take a break or express your feelings with this person? Do they guilt you or blame you? If they do, that’s a big red flag. Step back anyway, for your mental health and safety sake. Once you have some time to reflect, move on to the next steps here.
The next natural step is to set some boundaries. Read my blog here for detailed guidance on how to set boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are standards or limits that delineate where you end and someone else begins; psychic lines if you will. An example would be telling the person that you would like some alone time or time with friends every week (versus 100 percent of your time being with them). Watch how they react to your needs and requests. Can they respect you and your boundaries?
Relatedly, do the words and actions of this person match? Talk is cheap, as they say. Can they back up their words or promises with follow through? Consistent respect for you and your boundaries should be a requirement.
Tell a trusted person what you are going through. Sharing your feelings with someone safe will lighten the burden you feel. They can also help you see that being treated poorly or with love bombing type behavior is not healthy. Hopefully they can support you throughout, which is often what gives people the strength to break free or set boundaries.
Love bombing usually indicates that a serious, unhealthy dynamic is at play. Therefore, professional help may be warranted. In addition to guiding you through how to leave, a mental health professional will be there to sort out the aftermath and any potential post-traumatic stress reactions (PTSD). They can also help you sort through your past relationships and why love bombing may have felt so enticing at first. Finally, they may be able to accompany you in the actual departure, especially if violence or lashing out is a possibility.
Professional help is also ideal if you feel unsafe (maybe alongside support from a loved one). Ideally, therapy can help you get out of the situation or relationship or plan next steps. Remember also that you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, 24/7.
The most common trajectory after the love bombing stage is devaluation. If you are dealing with a narcissist or manipulative person, this overly happy period will inevitably turn sour. It will morph into something not only different and not as joyful, but sinister. Devaluation refers to behaviors including put downs, gaslighting, stonewalling, as well as being withdrawn from, or any other number of abusive tactics.
The length of the love bombing stage varies. But the average duration has been estimated to be somewhere between a few weeks to a few months. It can last up to a few years however, in some cases. Other times it doesn’t go away until marriage or another life event, such as having children (frighteningly).
Yes, unintentional love bombing is possible. This would occur when someone expresses over the top or intense admiration or affection without malicious intent. People with certain attachment styles or personality types may come on strong inadvertently, or without underlying manipulation.
Here are the two main differences between love bombing and the honeymoon phase in a relationship.
The core difference is intent, as I alluded to above. A honeymoon phase is innocent in the sense that it is a natural, healthy period at the beginning of a connection. Both parties are usually excited, open, and empathetic. There is no ulterior motive or underlying manipulation. The tricky part is obviously that you can’t always tell right away which is happening. Review the points I made in the earlier sections of this post to help you discern, and also give it time.
Continuing on from that note, the other key difference between love bombing and the honeymoon period is what comes afterward. Does it turn sour, into devaluation — or into a deeper, more stable relationship?
A natural question you might have is: how do I distinguish between a genuine connection and love bombing? In short, healthy relationships build at a steady pace. Love bombers may feel overwhelming, and create dependency. Check out my full post on this topic, linked here, for more detail.
Yes. It depends on the scale of the love bombing, plus if the person in question has a high level of narcissism. Traits like these vary, and can coexist with empathy in some cases. In other cases, a love bomber is more of a full blown narcissist or abuser and cannot love you.
Every situation is different. But having insecure attachment or low self-esteem can make you more vulnerable to people who love-bomb or manipulate. To investigate further for yourself, read my blog about trauma bonding here.
Follow the steps I’ve laid out in this post. First and foremost, take some space and set boundaries. Always trust your gut instinct as well. If something feels off, it probably is.
It’s not so much about disarming them as observing their actions. In particular, watch how they respond when you set boundaries or express a need. You can also try politely declining extravagant gestures or offers and see how they react. If they double down, guilt, or blame you, take that as a warning sign.
Congratulations on educating yourself about unhealthy relationship dynamics. Get out of a dynamic with a love bomber as soon as possible. You are saving yourself much more heartache and potential devastation later.
There are genuine people out there who will not manipulate you. It may feel hopeless or challenging at times, but you owe it to yourself to demand better. This is also about your health, both physical and mental. Narcissists, love bombers, and controlling people are unsafe. Heal, so you can enjoy healthier relationships. For further support, check out my ebook here.
© Copyright Centered One by Erin, LLC. All rights reserved.
Photos by:
boyarka says:
Wow that was odd. I just write an very long comment but after
I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr…
well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyway, just wanted to say
suerb blog!