We all overthink at times. The key is to not let the monkey mind take over. This may be easier or more challenging, depending on your history, genetics, and personality.
One of the prime areas of overthinking and overanalyzing is a romantic relationship. Relationships bring up triggers and vulnerability in a way that other aspects of life simply do not. Because of this, overthinking can truly wreak havoc. It may create uncertainty, fear, or tension by turning small interactions, delayed replies, or changes in tone into sources of worry. To read more about vulnerability in relationships, check out this post here.
Repeated anxious thoughts can affect trust, communication, and emotional security, even when the reasons behind worries are unclear. Therefore, it is valuable to gain an understanding of the signs and causes of relationship overthinking. That way you can begin to recognize your patterns (or your partner’s or friend’s) and find healthier ways to respond. In this post we will go over the signs, causes, and solutions for overthinking in relationships. I deeply understand, as a recovering overthinker myself, and an empath coach with a psychology degree who has studied these dynamics extensively.
Another word for overthinking is rumination. A term in the psychology space, it describes a repetitive cycle of negative thoughts, themes, or scenarios. It occurs when there is a loop of unhelpful mental activity. Thought cycles where you are dwelling on fears, worries, or negative feelings can block you from problem solving and finding solutions — not to mention create needless stress and anxiety.
Overthinking often also includes what are called intrusive thoughts, meaning that they are unwanted or involuntary. These thoughts may be dramatic, disturbing, violent, aggressive, depressing, scary, or obsessive. They usually keep coming up even if you are aware of them.
Dealing with overthinking or negative spirals can greatly hinder your mental health, not to mention all types of relationships. Once you understand the main signs and causes, addressing it effectively becomes possible. Doing so has the potential to save you from a ton of stress, heartache, and misunderstanding in your relationships. Let’s get into it.
Here is a selection of the most common signs of overthinking. They can show up in everyday situations, both big and small. These signs do not automatically mean someone has a mental health condition or is in an unhealthy relationship. And remember that occasional worries are totally normal.
Overthinking can happen for a wide variety of reasons, and every situation is different. However, these are the most likely culprits when it becomes a pattern. As a side note, it’s important to distinguish anxious assumptions from genuine concerns about a partner’s behavior. To help you if you’re asking the question, am I too sensitive or are they mean, read this blog here.
Overthinking may stem from past trauma. In fact, I would wager that this is the most common source and not spoken about enough.
A traumatic event (or multiple) causes severe emotional distress. It overwhelms the individual’s capacity to cope or process what occurred. Common responses include fear, helplessness, dissociation, rage, shame, and depression. Because trauma is so impactful, our brain and bodies may start a habit of spiraling or overanalyzing. It’s a protective or defense mechanism to keep us safe going forward. But heartbreakingly, it usually makes things worse, both on the mental health front and in actual life. For more detail around how to deal with trauma triggers, read this blog next.
People who tend to be anxious or perfectionistic are more likely to struggle with ruminating thoughts. The literal definition of anxiety is apprehensive uneasiness, nervousness, or preoccupation with anticipated (usually negative) possibilities. The fear and dread that accompany anxiety are often there with overthinking as well. When your mind is obsessing, focused on negativity, or concerned about doing everything “right,” overthinking is a natural byproduct.
Related is the tendency to fear rejection or feel insecure. For obvious reasons, if there’s a preoccupation there, the mind may loop on these worries. Insecurity can come from difficulty trusting, past relationship experiences, or childhood/early life imprinting (which may overlap with trauma, as noted above).
These fears may also be more episodic or temporary. For example, if you had a disagreement with a friend or a romantic breakup, you may find yourself fixating or noodling on it in an unhealthy way. It’s the mind’s (ineffective) way of trying to keep you safe and find answers. This type of overthinking relates to a specific situation rather than a constant state or past struggles, and is quite normal.
Here are 4 practical strategies to help you manage anxious rumination, improve communication, and feel more secure in your relationships. It may take time, but you can learn to reduce or stop overthinking. Forgive yourself for engaging in a self harming activity without realizing it. Then, get to work fixing it.
The first step, always, is awareness. This can certainly take some practice, as much of our thinking is automatic. Stepping back and separating yourself a bit from what you are thinking is the first step. Noticing when you start to feel the familiar sense of anxiety rising in your body or heart is a good tell. Become the witness, as meditation teaches. Read my blog here for tips on mindfulness.
Use a cognitive behavioral technique here where you investigate your overthinking. Question if there is evidence behind this perception or belief. Write down what you come up with and reflect on it. Reviewing later can be very illuminating in terms of helping you see that there is no truth behind it. If there is, you can brainstorm next steps or an action plan.
You might like to continue journaling through these steps. What more positive, neutral, or even less terrible outcomes are possible? Are you open to disengaging from the spiral or worst case scenario looping? You probably have no evidence that negativity is inevitable. Ask yourself what you are truly afraid of, what is behind the overthinking? Comfort this scared part of you and talk to it, if that feels right. Read this blog here for more about healing the inner child.
The last step is to re-focus on the present moment and away from your thoughts. You can do this through deep breathing, meditating, or shifting your attention to an entirely different topic. For example, say something kind to yourself (like “You did the best you could”) or start working on a project that requires your full focus.
Finally, somatic or body-based activity is very therapeutic to get you out of your head. Movement supports emotional release and the dislodging of excess trauma energy that may underlie negative thoughts. Take a walk, run, do yoga, lift weights, dance, shake, or whatever appeals to you! You can also ground yourself via walking barefoot outside on the grass (or anything outside) or imagining a root going down into the center of earth from your core during meditation.
You can indeed break the cycle of anxious overthinking. As you do, the connection with your partner or other people in your life will thrive. It is one powerful way to nurture love, not fear. Keep in mind that professional help is always an option if you need further support, either alone or with a romantic partner. Couples therapy and other kinds of therapy can be very effective in finding the root of unfavorable thought patterns and other dynamics. And if you’re interested in clearing out what doesn’t serve you as a sensitive person, including thoughts and beliefs, check out my ebook here.
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