One common manifestation of being a sensitive person is tears. You may be wondering, why do I cry when I get mad? Or, why do I cry so much – period? Let’s explore this topic of angry tears and crying in empaths.
We cry for a biological reason. It’s an adaptive mechanism. Tears are a healthy response to strong emotions, not a sign of weakness. You may not be surprised to hear this, due to the relief that a good cry often brings. It’s similar to emotions in general: feeling them is the point. Holding in or repressing an emotional response is not healthy. Managing emotions in better ways is indeed learnable though.
When we cry, stress-relieving chemicals like manganese, as well as stress hormones, are released. This release helps us cope, grieve, process, and communicate. As stress leaves the body and mind through tears, the parasympathetic nervous system is engaged, which restores balance. From a psychological standpoint, balance usually leads to emotional regulation and the human being feeling better. Lacrimal glands and tear ducts are responsible for the actual secretion of tears, which support eye health and lubrication.
The Japanese are particularly strong believers in crying, to the point that they have “crying clubs” in some cities! They are called rui-katsu, literally “tear-seeking.” So, have no shame the next time tears come. They are a good thing and sometimes the best way to heal and reduce stress. Thank yourself for having the courage to express, and reap the health benefits along the way. Taking a deep breath or deep breathing exercises can be a powerful tool to calm the flight response after emotional crying as well.
Because empaths, sensitives, and givers feel more than the average person in general, it makes sense that angry crying is also more likely. Intense feelings may occur often. Sadness is of course the hallmark trigger for emotional tears, but there are a plethora of other ones too. Crying may result from feeling scared, relieved, happy, anxious, confused, or ashamed.
Many empaths also cry when they feel deeply touched – which is often! A sentimental commercial on TV, a sweet card from a family member, or a cute animal are examples. Another common time that empaths cry is when they are angry. Some people display their anger through yelling, raging, avoiding, numbing, or any other number of ways. But sensitive people tend to be more perceptively aware of themselves and others. They don’t want to upset anyone, and for that reason may sublimate their anger into sadness. Crying is sometimes a more natural response for gentle souls. Other symptoms that can accompany angry tears include increased heart rate or decreased heart rate, high or low blood pressure, and changes in the body’s stress response or autonomic nervous system.
Sadness is actually what underlies anger. It is the core, and anger is the covering or secondary emotion. When you are mad, underneath that is usually hurt. People who are angry and in touch with their feelings, or anyone at times, may cry as a way of pure emotional expression. In a certain way, this is bypassing the angry part and getting right to the crux.
On the other hand, anger itself has a purpose. It varies, but the most common one is to alert us that our boundaries are being crossed. The burst of angry energy jolts us into awareness (if we let it). We also sometimes feel enraged or upset but don’t quite know why. Ideally, you don’t lash out at someone (or aggressively blame yourself) as part of the reaction – but that is certainly something we all wrestle with. Past experiences inform our reactions, and awareness is the first step toward better responses and emotional well-being.
Kind souls may be more likely to redirect anger inward toward self (leading to depression), or simply skip that emotion. Therefore, crying may become a coping mechanism or response to angry feelings that are inevitable as a human. It’s okay to be sensitive. You are normal, and so are your feelings.
As a child in your family of origin, you may have received the message that anger is not safe or welcomed. Other families or dynamics leave children with the opposite impression (or both), to stop crying or that “crying is for wimps” or “c’mon, don’t be a baby.” This childhood conditioning shapes how we react emotionally. Depending on your situation and history, you may cry when angry, rage when angry, numb/repress when angry, or none of the above. Any kind of emotional reaction is possible.
Absolutely. All emotions are valid and normal. Crying with anger may occur simply due to feeling overwhelmed. Crossing any emotional threshold may trigger stress hormones, which bring on overwhelm and/or tears. It’s a healthy emotional release. Additionally, women are often socialized to express sadness rather than anger (for fear of anger appearing unattractive or not feminine, and while less pervasive nowadays still exists due to implicit biases). This can lead to more frequent crying.
It means you are upset and that you are a human being! As I just noted, it means your body and mind are likely triggered or overwhelmed and seeking an outlet. It may also mean you are more comfortable with tears than rage. In a sense, you are accessing the deeper, more true feeling of sadness, unlike most people. That is a good thing.
It might be. Sometimes PTSD or trauma residue leads to higher reactivity and emotional purges like crying. If you are a sensitive person or had trouble standing up for yourself in the past, crying when angry can also be a coping mechanism or learned pattern.
The irony is that once you allow even intense feelings, they usually subside quite quickly. Emotions are energy in motion and ideally move through you without resistance. You can simply acknowledge to yourself (or someone else) that you are feeling angry (or insert relevant emotion such as sad, hurt, resentful, etc).
Take a long, deep breath. Let the exhale be longer than the inhale, which calms the nervous system. Then do it a few more times. You can also try other mindfulness practices like meditation (guided or just quietly witnessing your breath and thoughts), journaling, putting a hand on your heart, or tuning into your body and what you notice around you (somatic work).
Now we’re getting into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), where you learn to be kinder to yourself. Gently turn away from any negative or critical self-talk. In this case, it may be something about how crying is embarrassing or weak as it relates to feeling mad. Turn it into something more positive or neutral. For example, tell yourself you are doing just fine and there is nothing wrong with any emotion. Check out this blog for more guidance on addressing limiting thoughts.
Have compassion for yourself when tears start and through feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, rage, or numbness. The good news is that emoting is part of being in a human body, and is always valid. The part to watch is taking your emotions out on others. Allowing yourself to feel is a big part of what prevents overreactions and prolonged anger.
It can be helpful to journal or exercise when feeling mad. Both of these activities will support the flow and release of pent-up stress as well as help in managing emotional responses. Also don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional, such as a clinical psychologist or social worker.
Another related and essential aspect to anger and tears is grief. My 4th certification in the mental health space is specifically in grief recovery. I guide clients through an evidence-based, 7-step process to feel better and move forward. Feel free to reach out with questions or to learn more, at erin@centeredone.com.
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