One definition of expectations is premeditated resentments. Interesting, right? That sentiment may get your wheels turning in reflection or surprise. Welcome to this post about unrealistic expectations and how to have healthy relationships.
In most cases, relationships start out positive. Both people are investing their time, effort, and emotions into making the connection flourish. This effort and emotional openness is required to develop trust and stability, whether it be a romantic relationship, friendship, or work colleague.
However, as time goes by, it’s not uncommon for less than ideal habits or dynamics to pop up. One of those is relationship expectations. Certain expectations may have been present from the beginning but they start to show up visibly or affect the relationship as time passes.
They can quietly create frustration, disappointment, or unnecessary conflict. Most of us enter relationships with ideas shaped by movies, social media, and past experiences, among other factors, without realizing it. But starting to recognize unrealistic expectations early on can help you avoid harm, hurt, or destruction in the long run. Let’s get into more detail and a roundup of unrealistic expectations to watch out for.
Unrealistic expectations in relationships often lead to resentment as I noted above, miscommunication, or emotional distance. Even strong relationships can falter when expectations are not aligned.
Understanding what is realistic and what is not can help build healthier, more balanced dynamics. Additionally, replacing unrealistic expectations with clear communication and fair standards can help you build stronger, more supportive connections with better outcomes. For support around love bombing vs genuine interest, read this blog here.
They are beliefs or standards that are difficult or impossible for a partner to consistently meet. When expectations are unrealistic or unhealthy, they may ignore individual differences, limitations, and the natural challenges that come with maintaining a relationship. Oftentimes they are influenced by family upbringing, social media, movies, or idealized concepts from culture or other sources.
I put this one first because it is so massive. The way we grew up shapes a lot. Our brains are in a state similar to hypnosis before around age 8. And of course through life, but especially in childhood and adolescence, we are extremely impressionable and vulnerable to our surroundings.
This means that what we witnessed and experienced in our family of origin or with caregivers is imprinted strongly. That’s not to say you can’t transform it, but for better or worse, we adopt it (often unconsciously). For guidance on healing from family dynamics, read this blog and this one.
Of course in the mix is also how your prior relationships have been. This includes all kinds of relationships, although romantic ones may have a stronger impact. Your behavior and the behavior of others in the past will likely shape your expectations, perceptions, and assumptions.
Social media has become so pervasive that its impacts are staggering. And the addictive nature as well as the constant access to information and data about other people and the world compounds that. The dysfunctional part is that we see a glossy veneer, not a full picture. Hence the photo trend of “Instagram vs reality:” they are two different things.
Similarly to social media but in perhaps a milder way is movies, TV, and other messages we pick up from society. Romantic comedies and other ideals of perfect love or happily ever after can influence expectations. On the flip side, implying that promiscuity is somehow glamorous (one of many examples) has an effect too.
Every culture has its own set of mores, customs, and expectations. Particularly if you grew up in a very structured religion, belief system, or philosophy of living, there may be strong or specific expectations.
Here are some of the reasons why expectations can be problematic:
Here are 15 examples of unrealistic expectations in a relationship. Ponder if they resonate and if you are engaging with any of them currently or have in the past:
With a little effort and good intent, you can absolutely adjust and heal unhealthy expectations or unspoken dynamics within a relationship. Here are five steps to get started.
The first step is to become aware. Many of our expectations are hidden, even to us. Journal or take some time to reflect on what exactly you are expecting or wrestling with in your relationship. Where did it come from and why does it feel important? Explore what you are believing about this expectation or need. You can also work on this with a therapist or other mental health professional.
Next, consider how you might share with your partner or friend/relevant person. Aim for full honesty, alongside kindness and compassion for their maybe differing perspective. Take responsibility for this being something inside you and not about them, when possible.
Everyone is human and imperfect. Hopefully you and your partner or friend are doing the best you can. Check out the list of healthier standards in the next section to shift toward.
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes; that’s what empathy is. We are all products of our own conditioning and thus have differing experiences and expectations. Extend care and compassion toward this person, and include yourself in that too! I promise you will feel better.
Boundaries keep relationships safe and foster trust and self-respect. They distinguish where you end and someone else begins. Read my blog here for detailed support around how to set and keep healthy boundaries. Once you do this, your expectations should naturally balance out and become more realistic.
Here are some examples of healthier expectations you can adopt or consider:
Bravo for investigating how to have happy relationships with realistic expectations! Enjoy, and reach out to me if you need to at erin@centeredone.com.
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