Being in a family with manipulative people, especially if they are your parents, is one of the most confusing and painful things to experience. When the people who are supposed to protect you and love you are more concerned with themselves or with their attempt to control you and others, the long term effects can be devastating.
Narcissistic or unhealthy people don’t usually change just because they have children. In fact, it can get worse. This is a true tragedy, and not spoken about enough. Many, many people grow up with manipulative parents, siblings, or other family members. PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and other mental health struggles are a frequent result.
In this post, we are going to cover how to deal with a family dynamic including manipulative parents or other types of emotional manipulation.
First, let’s go over what a manipulative parent is and what manipulation tactics are. Then you can identify if you are in this type of family system or other relationship (or help someone you know with it).
At its core, manipulation is about control. On a smaller micro scale but similarly to a cult or high control group, manipulative individuals have controlling others as their focus (consciously or unconsciously). Sometimes this need for control is pathological or diagnosed, aka a higher level such as narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. Other times, it’s lower level but still damaging.
Manipulative parents tend to use control mechanisms like guilt tripping, silent treatment, withholding affection, or playing the victim. To most of us, it is horrifying to consider anyone doing these behaviors, much less a parent. But sadly, abusive or narcissistic people are who they are. More often than not, they are unconscious to the truth of their actions. They may be trauma survivors themselves who never healed, or they may have developed narcissism as a young child due to genetics or circumstances.
You can have compassion for their journey while still setting boundaries. You must realize that too much empathy (a way of life for us empaths) is actually toxic and will hurt you, not only emotionally but possibly physically, sexually, financially, or spiritually as well.
Setting boundaries or separating yourself from manipulation is obviously a lot more complicated if they are your parents. When you grow up in an environment with manipulation, it becomes normalized. You and other family members may not even realize it’s happening or that it is not healthy. You come to expect it and don’t think you deserve better. Or, you may realize this but struggle to break free or communicate your needs. In narcissistic family dynamics, your needs are not met. You may even be scapegoated – blamed or made an example of – for speaking up. To learn more about how to turn down your sensitivity level when needed (while still honoring it), read this post here.
Here are the most common signs to look out for, then we will talk about how to deal with them.
If your parent frequently blames you for your mistakes or those of other family members, says their feelings are your fault, guilts you about what they’ve done for you, or puts you down in any way, they are manipulative. This is toxic behavior, and you don’t deserve it. Read this blog here if you are wondering if you might be too sensitive.
Emotionally invalidating someone means to ignore, disrespect, or try to change how they feel. If a parent is not comfortable with their own feelings, they are more likely to struggle with healthily validating their kids. It can range from mild to quite intense and damaging. Ideally, a parent allows and even welcomes the emotional expression of their child, no matter what (as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone).
Disapproval can be weaponized into withdrawal of affection or attention. Stonewalling or the silent treatment are other ways to describe this dynamic. Sometimes a parent has unsuccessfully tried other, healthier methods to correct or teach their child first. But even still, it’s never healthy to withdraw love or make the child believe it’s contingent on not making mistakes or adhering to rules. If love felt conditional or transactional in your family, there was likely manipulation present.
Gaslighting refers to an emotionally manipulative form of abuse. If your parents gaslight you, you may start questioning your sanity or perception of reality. That’s because it usually involves challenging your feelings, thoughts, or experiences repetitively over time. They may lie, minimize or dismiss, or deny certain events happened or occurred in the way you remember. To read more about specific examples of gaslighting, read this blog here.
Triangulation is an insidious tactic where one person pulls a third party (usually another person, but it can also be an inanimate object or idea) into a conflict. The third party is used as a distraction or diversion so that the original two people don’t communicate directly, or as a means of control.
This dynamic is especially common between siblings. In other words, the parent or manipulator will pit siblings or other family members against each other or as competition. One may be the golden child, meaning they are chosen as the favorite, and there’s typically a level of unhealthy enmeshment there; while another (you) may be the scapegoat (blamed for everything).
A common and heartbreaking situation in manipulative family systems is a perpetual moving of the goalpasts. This means nothing is ever good enough. Maybe you earn approval through an accomplishment or doing what they wanted, but that quickly fades as the next expectation arrives.
Financial support is one of the most frequent ways people, and especially parents, manipulate. For obvious reasons, exerting control via promises of money can be very effective. This is not a healthy or fair way to operate.
Finally, we have the terrible manipulation of using the ability to see or not see grandchildren (or other family members) as a bargaining chip. This can of course happen on either side and be done by parents or grandparents. But keeping with our theme of manipulative parents, if their adult children have kids themselves, they may use them as leverage. It can occur in any number of ways, including emotional blackmail, guilt trips, threats, or implied obligation.
Having a manipulative mother specifically, is actually quite common. A manipulative mom may do the following:
Similarly, you may have a manipulative father. Here are some of the signs:
The theme of these signs is psychological control. Parents should not be controlling their children in this way. It’s a tricky line though, as of course parents do “control” their children by caring for them, raising them, enacting rules, etc. Perhaps this is why the topic of abusive parents is a bit more taboo or hard to digest. Inherently, we assume mom and dad love their kids and want what’s best for them. It goes against biology and nature to consider otherwise. But unfortunately, this scenario is not uncommon.
I think it’s worth noting that some parents do indeed love their kids and do some of these behaviors inadvertently. Not all manipulative parents are narcissists or abusive. It’s a scale, just like everything else.
Here are the six main steps you should take to cope with manipulation.
The first thing to try is speaking up. Your sense of self worth will benefit from naming what is happening or what doesn’t feel right. And it may help reorganize the family dynamic too. You can start with respectful language and “I” statements, where you focus on what you think and feel rather than making accusations.
If that works OK, move into boundary setting. Setting boundaries means communicating a need, or what you will or won’t do. An important caveat: If speaking out to the perpetrator or manipulative person feels unsafe, do so to a trusted ally or mental health professional first (or only).
Even if speaking up and setting boundaries with your parent or other manipulative person goes over well, it is always a good idea to seek support. It can be a friend, mentor, different family member, or mental health professional. Getting their perspective and encouragement is essential.
And if it’s a therapist, they can guide you through the hurt or anger you probably feel, plus the best next steps for your safety and mental health. These may include learning some more communication tactics, coping with distressing emotions, or treating symptoms or conditions. A support group is also an option.
A key strategy for dealing with manipulative people and situations is to stay as calm as possible. This helps prevent escalation, aka increased drama and conflict. Avoid JADE, or the urge to justify, argue, defend, or explain. It’s totally natural that you want to go there, but do your best to go “grey rock” which means being emotionless and factual. Pausing and taking some deep breaths before you respond should help too.
We usually think of boundaries as requests, but a healthy reframe is to look at them as statements — on your behalf. It is often harder when the manipulator is your parent, but you can still practice holding firm and following through.
Even when they don’t respect your boundary or limit, do what you need to do or what you said you will do (or won’t do). For example, if they are insulting you or acting out aggressively, simply remove yourself or repeat your boundary: “If you continue speaking to me like that, I am ending the call.”
This is triangulation, a common dynamic in narcissistic or manipulative family systems, as I noted above. Other family members may go along with the narcissist out of fear, guilt, or codependency. Lies or half truths may also be used on other parties to make them think the real victim is the perpetrator (DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).
While understandably enraging and hurtful, it’s usually best not to try to convince the other people involved. They may very well be invested in denial, and trying to force an awakening in them rarely works. Continue holding your boundaries and going gray rock; also seek support outside of this toxic system (like with friends, a support group, or therapist).
When you cannot avoid conflict with a manipulative parent, you can prepare ahead of time. Doing so will greatly increase the chances of an effective, or at least less damaging, interaction.
Set the terms or rules, such as meeting in neutral territory or in a public place. Tell them how much time you have up front, and bring a confidante if possible (having a support person may curtail theatrics or drama). Continue being as neutral and fact-based as possible. Finally, take deep breaths and do some energy protection methods beforehand. For more on what this can look like, read this blog here and this one here. Check out my forthcoming ebook on this topic as well.
The best way to speak to a parent or other individual who is starting to manipulate is to be very direct and as neutral as possible. In other words, limit emotional reactions, arguing, and over-explaning (JADE). These behaviors tend to get you more entangled in conflict. Here are some example phrases you can use:
If things have not gotten better over the course of months or years, or your mental, emotional, or physical safety is at risk, it may be time to consider going low- or no-contact. This is a decision worth making with professional support rather than alone. Here is what these terms mean.
Low contact is a middle ground scenario where you limit interactions and communication with the manipulative person. This might be a good choice for you if:
No contact is the full cessation of a relationship. It might include blocking the person on channels like text/phone and social media or refusing messages through third parties. This option may be wise if there are repeated or severe boundary violations, abuse of any kind, and if you feel unsafe in any way (or your family/loved ones do).
The holidays are a time of increased pressure and intensity for everyone. While they hopefully include some joyful moments and fun times, they can also be very hard and trigger grief. If you have a manipulative parent or family member, you may feel massive stress at the prospect of forced family time, travel, or high expectations.
Remind yourself that the holidays are truly no different than other times of year in terms of your self care and mental health. Don’t stop using all of the methods I’ve shared in this post. Just because society, the calendar, Hallmark, or social media makes you feel less than if you don’t have a happy family situation, you don’t have to take the bait and believe that. Work on reminding yourself of who you are and build up your self-worth.
Strict parents may enforce rules, higher standards, or harsher punishments, but they do not use the manipulation tactics we’ve gone over in this post (or it’s not their main MO even if some show up at times).
It’s possible. But as with most unhealthy personalities, most of the time the answer is no. Change usually requires taking accountability and a sincere desire, which most manipulators and narcissists lack.
Absolutely. Read my blog here for more details on how to address guilt, and this one about codependency. This is your mom or dad or guardian we are talking about, and that’s tough. You probably have complicated, mixed feelings, including fear or guilt. The good news is that discomfort is often a sign of breaking old patterns.
Follow the steps I’ve laid out in this post to deal with them. Learn to recognize the signs of manipulation, set boundaries on your time and engagement, and limit explaining and reacting when possible. Consider low or no contact, and get professional help if you are struggling.
When manipulation or inappropriate treatment comes from a parent, it is all the more complicated and traumatic to navigate. It is possible that they won’t be able to hear you or change. It’s definitely worth trying, but sadly many adults are unaware or defensive about their behavior or parenting. This is, however, NOT your fault or about your worth.
Congratulations for seeking answers through this blog. You have now educated yourself, and can take the next steps that feel right. Don’t hesitate to contact a professional; many of us need that! There is no shame in doing so, and in fact, a lot of power. You are very courageous. Healing and healthy relationships are on the other side. For more, I recommend you check out these posts:
How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry
How To Heal Generational Trauma
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