At first glance, pleasing people seems positive and maybe even altruistic. What could be wrong with nurturing relationships and creating harmony within them? Nothing. However, chronic or imbalanced pleasing of others can come at a price. Constantly prioritizing others at the expense of your own needs can lead to stress, resentment, and burnout. It often takes a toll on mental health, self-worth, and confidence, not to mention that over time it can actually hinder healthy connections.
People pleasing is a common behavior and often goes unnoticed, as many people believe they are simply being kind or helpful. So in today’s post we are going to talk about what exactly people pleasing is, why it happens, and how to build healthier connections. Read on for an effective guide to balanced relationships.
People pleasing refers to a pattern of behavior where someone consistently puts others’ needs, approval, or happiness above their own. While it can appear as selflessness or benevolence, it is usually driven by deeper emotional dynamics such as fear of disapproval or need for validation. Over time, it tends to negatively impact self-esteem, decision-making, and relationships of all kinds.
Here are some of the most likely signs you may see in someone (or yourself):
There are several possible causes of people-pleasing behavior, as I’ve listed below. As with anything, it is a continuum. Relating to or feeling some of these at times is perfectly normal.
Being a considerate person is of course not inherently bad; it is a beautiful thing and needed now more than ever. But chronic people pleasing can become harmful.
Over time, being a people pleaser can increase anxiety and stress, lead to burnout, and impact self-worth and confidence. That’s because the core of most pathological or extreme people pleasing is trauma. It is a type of trauma response sometimes called fawning.
The main responses are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. When someone has been abused or neglected in the past, especially if in childhood, they may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms. One of these is to fawn, which means to please or conform to others to try and minimize further abuse, conflict, or chaos.
The problem with doing this is that you are neglecting yourself. People pleasing may have started with small acts of generosity or harmless flattery and attempts at closeness. But we’re veering into the land of codependency when pleasing others becomes enabling (ignoring, downplaying, or making excuses for mistreatment of self or others). It’s also not healthy when you feel resentful, hurt, or angry inside but are masking those natural reactions in order to “keep the peace.” Over time, you are in fact eroding your own sense of self and identity. Plus, you are in turn showing other people that they can take advantage of or manipulate you without repercussion.
Furthermore, people-pleasing is actually a form of manipulation. Even if you have good intentions, which most do, unconsciously you are trying to control the other person by pleasing them. Pleasing implies hiding what you really want to say or do in order to maintain the status quo or not upset someone. The fear underneath this, as I noted above, may be abandonment, rejection, loneliness, being seen, or something else.
Check out the following key ways to stop valuing others too much and start valuing yourself.
The first step is almost always awareness. We often run on automatic or subconscious programs around getting our needs met. So, give yourself some time to witness and notice what’s happening. A very helpful phrase to use with people when you’re unclear is, “Let me get back to you.” This gives you space to determine an intuitively accurate response.
Good questions to ask yourself include:
Boundaries refer to invisible or psychological lines that distinguish you from other people, and from what you will and will not tolerate. They enable you to keep your self-respect and establish a structure of safety in relationships. Once this exists, you can trust yourself and other people and thus develop a healthy connection.
Small steps will help you feel more comfortable at first. For example, if someone asks you for a favor you’d rather not do or don’t have time for, politely decline (instead of being passive aggressive). Say something simple like, “I have an appointment tomorrow, but I will be thinking of you.”
Start by saying no or expressing a need via text and work your way up to in person conversations. If you start to feel guilty or anxious, take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you matter too!
Examine your motivations and only give when it feels true. Honor yourself first by focusing on your own life and goals. Once you’ve tended to yourself, you can give to others from an overflowing cup. Stop people pleasing tendencies and set yourself free.
A final tip I have for you is to look into somatic or trauma release exercises. I have three blogs all about those right here, here, and here. Healing from people pleasing is even more effective when you add the body-based aspect. You may also like to learn more about how to deal with trauma triggers here. Congratulations on your growth!
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