Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating and damaging experiences to endure. It is also extremely common, unfortunately. Most of the time, people don’t recognize narcissistic abuse until after emotional harm is done and they are picking up the pieces. Maybe that’s you, and I completely understand.
Or maybe you are ahead of the game and want to be prepared for any potential red flags. Either way, learning the signs of narcissistic abuse will serve you well. I’m not exaggerating when I say deepening or beginning your education in this area could save your life. And, it most certainly can save you from years of heartache, trauma, loss, or betrayal.
This blog will help you heal from any narcissistic dynamics and also help you understand them. You can then be a light and a resource for others in your life who may be struggling with it as well. Read on for a roundup of the top signs of narcissistic abuse.
Recognizing early signs of narcissistic abuse can protect your psychological and mental health massively. It also may protect you physically and financially. The signs and behaviors are often subtle, thus all the more insidious. Other times, they are obvious and glaring. But even still, many people are blind to the truth of relationship dynamics they are in.
This sort of emotional abuse can distort your sense of reality, erode self-worth, and lead to behavior changes over time. Now let’s get into more detail.
This term, narcissistic abuse, refers to something different than general toxic behavior. As I just touched on, it is abusive treatment in any or all areas of life, including: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually, and financially. And it is meted out in an abusive relationship or by a person with narcissistic traits. Narcissistic personality disorder NPD is a psychological diagnosis marked by a severe lack of empathy. This is usually accompanied by high levels of entitled, selfish, cruel, deflecting, and/or manipulative actions and words.
Social media has certainly contributed to narcissism’s increasing prevalence, and the ability of narcissists to gain their narcissistic supply. Supply, or fuel, refers to the attention, control, or power that narcissists need and seek.
Most narcissists unconsciously enact controlling behaviors and manipulations, but some are conscious, aka do them with awareness. A heartbreaking aspect to this is that most toxic people are survivors of trauma, especially in childhood. Trauma, abuse, neglect, or catastrophe can fracture someone psychologically. Narcissism becomes a coping or defense mechanism of the mind, body, and spirit. Tragically, this continues the abuse cycle as the victim later becomes the perpetrator.
Even if you can understand where someone’s narcissistic tendencies come from (i.e., trauma), that doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Empaths, givers, and sensitive souls may excuse away or enable due to their pronounced compassion. But beware not to go down that road. Keep reading and learn to set boundaries – very strong ones!
Narcissistic manipulation can manifest in a variety of ways, including through behavior patterns and emotional responses. Here are more details about what it looks like, feels like, how it affects the brain, plus how to heal.
Check out these 9 specific signs of narcissistic abuse. These are common tactics used in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, family member, friend, or colleague. They are usually more obvious in a romantic context, but can occur in any trauma bond or close connection.
Hoovering is an emotional manipulation tool whereby the person contacts you to try to suck you back in (hence the name, which derives from the Hoover vacuum cleaner). This usually takes place when they sense you have left for good, moved on, or are no longer available to meet their needs. They may apologize, act contrite, or say they’ve “changed” and understand things now, or are in therapy. Make no mistake, these promises are false and the underlying motivation is control. Guilting you may be part of a hoover as well.
Triangulation is when a narcissist involves another party in order to manipulate you. The party is usually a person, but may also be a group, event, or inanimate object. A common example is when victims of narcissistic abuse marry a toxic person and that person turns their spouse against their family. They will have a “story” of why this is justified, but the motive is control and isolation. Triangulation also often happens within narcissistic family dynamics.
Future faking is what it sounds like: faking a future with you. This most commonly happens at the beginning of a romantic relationship. Almost immediately, they may speak of marriage, kids, moving in together, exclusivity, being soulmates, etc. It’s related to love bombing, where they “bomb” you with endless amounts of affection, attention, and mirroring.
One of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship is a mix of pain and reward. That’s also what makes it so addictive. Part of you hopes for the pain to go away and for the love to prevail, or go back to what it was like at the beginning (love bombing or honeymoon phase). This inconsistent cycle is very hard to break and see clearly.
Next, we will talk about how this kind of abuse may feel inside your mind, heart, and body.
You probably fear saying something that will upset or trigger the narcissist. You have seen their dark side and what can happen when they don’t get what they want. That’s how they manipulate: emotional blackmail. In other words, they use your emotional reactions (most often fear, obligation, or guilt, FOG) to control your behavior for their benefit.
As a result of the behaviors we just went over, frequent or even constant anxiety may occur. You are terrified of doing something wrong in their eyes and triggering more abuse or drama.
Being manipulated, controlled, and/or put down does serious damage to self-esteem and self-worth over time. These scars of abuse are devastating and unfair. The abuser is the one who should be carrying the shame, but they shift it outward onto victims.
A further downstream effect of narcissistic abuse is debilitating self-doubt. Again, the misplaced, toxic shame hurts the victim deeply. It can turn into a lack of self-trust, questioning of the self, or overanalyzing and ruminating.
As I mentioned above, trauma bonds occur when there is narcissistic abuse. This means that a relationship contains a mix of pain and reward and is predicated on manipulation. When a pattern of abuse happens with intermittent kindness or positivity, confusion and destabilization result.
A healthy relationship, on the other hand, may have struggles but does not include manipulation and control issues.
The brain and psyche are deeply affected by narcissistic abuse. It may contribute to anxiety, depression, trust issues, or other long-term mental health challenges like OCD.
This sort of abuse may also affect brain structure and function when it is long term. For example, memory and emotional regulation capabilities can falter. And in a more general yet serious sense, the ability to have hope, self-worth, or resilience suffers.
Healing from the effects of narcissistic abuse is possible, though not always easy. In addition to the tips I’ve shared throughout this post, here are some other ways to get you started on a healing path, free from narcissistic influence.
Here is my blog to help you set boundaries without guilt and protect your peace.
Simply say no and/or block the person. This will likely take practice, especially if you are an empath. But remember, you don’t owe anyone anything, especially if they are not a safe person.
Get professional help from people trained in narcissistic abuse, trauma, or toxic relationships.
You have been deeply wounded and mistreated, through no fault of your own. Thus, you must start to build back your strength and a healthy self-worth.
Finally, research echoism. This is a relatively new concept in the mental health landscape, created by Craig Malkin, Ph.D. It is a trait often associated with children of narcissistic parents or abuse victims: the fear of appearing narcissistic. The irony! In a similar but slightly different way than empaths, echoists tend to be uncomfortable with praise and attention, or are unable to value themselves and their accomplishments.
Best wishes on your healing journey. Narcissistic abuse is difficult, to say the least. But by taking the steps outlined here, you can begin to recover your sense of self, worth, and identity. As you become emotionally available to yourself and others, healthy relationships are not only possible, but are sure to find you. Feel free to reach out to me with questions at erin@centeredone.com.
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