A tale as old as time. Well, maybe not quite! But almost. The empath and the narcissist. It is not uncommon to find them together. Unfortunately, this pairing usually creates a union full of chaos and drama, or simply broken hearts. Perhaps more accurately, one broken heart – that of the empath. Narcissistic people do not feel empathy like the rest of us (or less of it). And when you are extra empathic or sensitive, this is all the more crushing and shocking.
In today’s post we are going to talk about what happens when empaths decide to leave their narcissistic partners. Of course, narcissists are also often the ones to end things. All breakups have the potential to be devastating, or even traumatic. Whether you are going through one now, considering leaving, or have been through one, especially with an abusive or controlling person, this blog is for you.
In order to fully understand what happens when an empath leaves a narcissist, we need to go over what each is. While my dear empath community surely already knows some of this, new readers may like a refresher or not yet grasp these critical relationship dynamics.
I’m not exaggerating when I say deepening or beginning your education in this area could save your life. And, it most certainly can save you from years of heartache, trauma, loss, or betrayal (or help you support a friend or family member in doing so). Just one day saved is worth it in my opinion, and the opinion of those who have weathered similar storms already. Your mental health should be your top priority. Plus, toxic relationships expose you to physical, financial, and spiritual danger at times too.
If you’re not familiar with the term empath, it refers to an estimated 20 percent of the population who are particularly sensitive. “Highly sensitive person” or HSP is a similar name for these folks. Empaths have extra attuned intuition, emotions, energy fields, and physical bodies. They become drained or overwhelmed easily and can sometimes sense the emotions of others as well as unseen energies.
Being empathic, sensitive, kind, or a giver is a gift. Your great reservoirs of compassion are a healing balm for the communities and people with whom you interact. More empathy is truly what this world needs.
Yet, in today’s society, it can also feel like a burden. There are endless possible triggers for empaths. But if you learn to balance an open heart with fierce boundaries, you’ll be surprised at how much better you feel.
Narcissist has become a bit of a buzzword in recent years, along with gaslighting. The collective awareness around this personality disorder has greatly increased, and that’s a good thing. As with most psychological traits, narcissism is a spectrum. It ranges from a touch of self-centeredness, to full blown narcissism and psychopathy or sociopathy.
Social media has certainly contributed to its prevalence, and the ability of narcissists to gain their narcissistic supply. Supply, or fuel, refers to the attention, control, or power that narcissists need and seek. Narcissistic abuse is the term often used to describe the hurtful, unfair, or cruel way they treat their victims.
Most narcissists unconsciously enact controlling behaviors and manipulations, but some are conscious, aka do them with awareness. A heartbreaking aspect to this is that most toxic people are survivors of trauma, especially in childhood. Trauma, abuse, neglect, or catastrophe can fracture someone psychologically. Narcissism becomes a coping or defense mechanism of the mind, body, and spirit. Tragically, this continues the abuse cycle as the victim later becomes the perpetrator.
Empaths do tend to attract takers and narcissistic people. As a sensitive soul, you may mistake a narcissist for simply a strong connection. Until you learn about setting boundaries, you’re a target. Narcissists feed on your kindness, compassion, and generosity. They are energy vampires and will trigger you, suck you dry, and even make you question your sanity.
However, the truth is that many kind hearted people are particularly drawn to narcissists. Here are the two main reasons, which are usually unconscious or outside of conscious awareness.
The main reason typically has to do with your upbringing and the dynamics that played out in your family or culture. When we are around narcissistic people early in life, especially as a parent or caregiver, these patterns tend to imprint on the psyche and relationship template. The vibe of a similarly narcissistic or unavailable person – or poor treatment – then later feels FAMILIAR. Familiarity is actually the underlying basis of chemistry, not outward appearance or other attributes.
Related are unmet needs. These two points overlap in many ways. The familiarity with unavailable or abusive people makes you vulnerable to continuing this dynamic later with romantic partners as well as friends or work superiors. This concept is called repetition compulsion in psychology. You are unconsciously trying to resolve what happened in your past, which never works with another unhealthy person. Plus, past trauma or these unmet needs make the frequent love bombing (excessive flattery, attention, or mirroring) done by a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship especially intoxicating.
As I’ve mentioned, yes. And it is more common than us empaths would prefer. In a similar way that people with anxious attachment may be drawn to those with avoidant attachment, empaths are often attracted to narcissists. Keep in mind that these labels are not black and white, just helpful concepts for learning and growth. I don’t believe anyone is destined to always be a certain way or have certain patterns in their life. You have more power than you realize, and awareness is the first and biggest step.
To help you distinguish between abusive people and love bombing vs genuine interest, read this blog next.
Here is some more detail around what may happen when an empathic person leaves a relationship with a narcissistic person.
Losing control is the worst case scenario for a narcissist. Therefore, their manipulative actions in either the ostensibly positive or negative direction will intensify. They may beg, cry, explain, or act extra sweet, giving the impression of change or remorse. On the flip side, they may lash out extra hard by blaming, attacking, or guilting. Likely, it’s a mixture of all of the above.
When a narcissist or abuser can no longer control you, they will try to control others’ perception of you. They may subtly or outright smear you to mutual friends or family. This can be in the form of lies about you, sharing personal details about you or the breakup, or skewing the story to make themselves look better or innocent. It may be in person, by phone/text, or online, like on social media.
Your health, both physical and mental, depends on recognizing the signs of narcissism in the people around you, and acting accordingly. If you have someone in your life who you trust, definitely share what you are going through. Alert them about your planned breakup (or detachment from the controlling person or situation).
The ultimate goal should be no contact, whether it’s a romantic partner, family member, work colleague, friend, etc. This can be very serious. Contact a mental health professional if you need further help extricating yourself.
Taking care of logistics ahead of time, or at least thinking them through, is invaluable. Stress and chaos lessen our ability to think logically and act rationally. This is especially crucial if you are living with the narcissist. Note down or map out in your mind what needs to be taken care of, and how you plan to do each step. Enlist support from friends or family if possible during this process. Maybe someone can pick you up or help carry your things out of an apartment, for example.
You got this! You do have it in you to be strong and get out of unhealthy relationships. Healing and happier times await you on the other side. Remember that even if you feel hopeless or like you don’t have any other options, YOU DO. Trauma brain is real, meaning you may feel trapped, stuck, or unworthy, but these cognitions are false. You deserve better, and bravo for having the courage to strive for that.
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