Gaslighting is one of those trendy mental health related terms that has taken off in recent years. But as with narcissism, this is a very good thing. The more awareness about unhealthy relationship dynamics that exists, the better. Abuse is tragically common, and it often takes a more subtle form like gaslighting. Gaslighting can be obvious too, but for most of us, we are not expecting such treatment and may not realize or recognize it until later.
Luckily, you are ahead of the game in reading this blog. Or maybe you’ve already been through gaslighting or other abuse. Either way, congratulations on educating yourself – and getting through it. You are healing and empowering yourself, and can now be a resource for people in your life as well. I deeply understand, both as someone who has experienced gaslighting in my own life and as an empath coach with a psychology degree and grief certification who has studied these dynamics extensively.
There are generally thought to be four main types of gaslighting. We are going to cover what those are so you can identify if you or someone you care about has experienced it. This foundation will equip you to get out if necessary, or put up healthy boundaries to protect your peace, safety, and sanity.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological and emotional abuse in which a person or group manipulates one or more others. Over time, victim(s) are made to question their perception of reality. It is insidious and destabilizing, to say the least. If someone challenges your feelings, thoughts, and experiences all the time or in a particularly manipulative way, it is natural to feel “crazy.” Sadly, that is the goal, whether consciously or unconsciously. When you question your own sanity or worth, you are easier to control and exploit. Gaslighting can affect mental health dramatically, by wearing down your self-esteem, causing self-doubt or isolation, and increasing the risk of anxiety or depression. To read my post about specific examples of gaslighting, go here. To learn more about unintentional gaslighting, go here.
The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play and then 1944 movie called Gaslight. It follows a couple where the husband is emotionally abusing his wife. He manipulates through odd behaviors like dimming and brightening the gaslights in their house, then denying that any of it is happening. His wife is repeatedly made to doubt herself and eventually believes his lies about how she is losing touch with reality. This is a classic abuse tactic of shifting blame and responsibility onto the victim.
We tend to associate gaslighting with romantic relationships, but it can occur in any relationship, friendship, familial, or professional. Gaslighting behavior is more common among people with certain personality disorders like narcissism, but anyone can engage in it.
When someone has lived through trauma or is an abuse victim themselves, especially if as a child, and they never had the opportunity, awareness, or willingness to recover and heal, they may become an abuser themselves. This is the devastating cycle of abuse that can be so hard to break. The other possibility and flip side of how abusive personalities can form is when children are coddled or spoiled to an extreme degree. Narcissism can develop in that scenario as well (and many others, but those are common examples).
Here are my four main signs of gaslighting to look out for. They are typically used to gain power and control. Keep in mind that experts of all kinds may group the types of gaslighting a bit differently. For example, licensed counselor Michelle Mays divides them into: the straight up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating, and coercion.
This one is self-explanatory. But a gaslighter may lie in a very skilled or covert way so as to appear confident. In many cases, they literally believe their own lies, which makes it far easier to weaponize the truth. A big part of gaslighting with lying is also denying that certain events or dynamics occurred. This starts the process of making a victim feel off balance and confused.
If you’re being gaslit, your feelings and perceptions will be trivialized or minimized. You will be dismissed for having concerns, hurt feelings, boundaries, or any reaction at all. You may be told you are overreacting, too sensitive, delusional, or misremembering things.
Withholding affection, love, attention, money, or other resources is a frequent component of gaslighting. You are being punished, aka manipulated, until you do what the gaslighter wants. This is like holding you hostage emotionally.
The gaslighting tenet of doubting your sanity comes from this persistent denial of a victim’s reality. You may be put down, told you’re imagining things, the “only one” who thinks or believes a certain way, or questioned mercilessly on your version of events. Another way to say this is scapegoating, or unfairly blaming you and singling you out. The goal is to wear you down.
Now let’s briefly cover the other three types mentioned above: reality manipulation, scapegoating, and coercion. They are similar and overlap with the four types I just went over, but worth touching on as well.
Reality manipulation is when denying is taken one step further. The person not only denies harm done, or your feelings, but they twist it around to make you feel crazy. They may call you names or say they are worried about you due to your reaction to their behavior.
Scapegoating is sadly very common with narcissistic individuals, especially in family systems. It occurs when the gaslighter unfairly blames another person to take the focus off of them. They make the scapegoat the problem to avoid responsibility.
Coercive behavior is a scale, just like most things. It refers to force or persuasion, ranging from mild pressure to violence, either psychological or physical. Coercion aims to make someone do or say something as a result of threats or intimidation. To get my tips on how to outsmart a manipulator, go here.
As you can see, these types of gaslighting behaviors are truly abusive and vile. Their stealthy or partially hidden nature (often mixed in with positive reinforcement or happy moments) makes the effects of gaslighting all the more toxic and damaging. Here are three tips to free yourself and start healing.
One of the keys to breaking free is trusting yourself. I repeat: TRUST YOURSELF. Many of us were taught that we can’t trust ourselves, or shouldn’t – not to mention how society and certain groups teach this on a grand scale. The truth is that your gut and intuition are worth listening to. If something feels uncomfortable or off, there’s a reason.
Tuning in might include meditating, journaling, or even noting down examples of times you feel gaslit. If these occur in a professional context, logs or emails can be submitted later to human resources or a trusted manager if appropriate. If in a personal relationship, looking back can be therapeutic and provide clarity.
Once you trust yourself, or are on your way, it’s much easier to speak up and communicate. Even if you are terrified or shaking, state what you are not OK with or hurt by. If the person is manipulative again, too defensive, or unwilling to take any accountability, now you know for sure.
Stay calm when possible and use clear language, such as: I disagree, I don’t see things that way, I am not crazy or imagining things, the facts don’t lie. Assert your reality and feelings and stand firm in your perspective. If it turns hostile or aggressive, ask to reconnect later or simply end the relationship.
Speaking clearly may include setting boundaries, meaning communicating limits you are comfortable with or lines you won’t cross or tolerate. Give the person a chance to respect your boundaries. If they can’t, it may be time to consider extricating yourself or disengaging.
If you suspect the person might get violent, either emotionally or physically, contact a local crisis center or therapist as soon as possible. You need to get a safety plan in place to protect yourself. An option is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Contact a friend or family member for support as well if you can. Maybe they can pick you up or help you move, if such things need to happen.
The phrases gaslighting lite or passive gaslighting may be used to describe a milder, less intentional form of dismissiveness. Read more in my post about if and how this behavior can be unintentional here.
Sometimes other behaviors or more harmless dynamics are mistaken for gaslighting. These may include innocent miscommunication, disagreements, or memory lapses.
Gaslighting behavior is more common among people with certain personality disorders like narcissism, but anyone can engage in it. Because it is a manipulative communication tactic, it may be used by unhealthy or controlling individuals.
I have a whole post about how to outsmart manipulators, available here. In general, learn to build up your self-worth, have strong boundaries, and don’t be afraid to say no or step away from this person.
The impact of gaslighting can be long lasting and contribute to mental health issues. You don’t deserve to have your sense of reality questioned. Psychological abuse is no joke, and can be hard to pinpoint at first. Follow the steps I’ve outlined in this post, and also get a lot of support, including from a trained professional.
If it feels very challenging to separate yourself from someone who is gaslighting you, you may be in a trauma bond. To learn more about what are the signs of trauma bonding, read this blog next. And for further support in clearing what no longer serves and rising into your highest self, check out my ebook here.
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