The human bond with animals is profound. Dogs, in particular, are “man’s best friend” and “God spelled backwards.” One of the reasons is that they offer unconditional love and acceptance, without the expectations and complexity that characterize human relationships. Their intense devotion and loyalty is unsurpassed. Those soulful eyes, tiny paws, adorable behaviors, and soft fur are some of their other irresistible attributes.
Animals are often brought into hospitals or addiction centers to help people heal. Their mere presence may lower blood pressure or calm rattled nerves. Even a moment of respite from stress by petting them can make all the difference.
Loss of a beloved pet can be just as – or even more – traumatic and distressing than losing a family member. One of the reasons is a lack of understanding and myths like “it was just a cat” or “you can get a new puppy.” If you’ve lost a pet or want to support someone in your life who has, read on for guidance on what to say and how to cope. It is totally normal not to know the right thing to do when a pet dies. I deeply understand, as an animal lover and multiple pet owner myself, as well as via my professional background as a certified grief recovery specialist, health coach, and end of life doula.
As a side note, empaths and sensitive people tend to have an even stronger than average connection with fur babies. It’s very common for them to have pets and be animal lovers or activists. Read this blog here for more on grieving as an empath. Losing such an important part of their life can be one of the hardest things to go through.
Here are a variety of comforting words to say when a pet passes or when someone is having a difficult time. Losing a pet hurts, and offering support to a friend or family member will go far. Remember that this does not constitute medical advice regarding pets and is intended for informational purposes.
Simple phrases are often the best thing. The key is to offer presence, a listening ear, and an open heart. Being a faithful friend isn’t easy all the time when someone has experienced the loss of their pet. But offering support starts when you note the loss of their pet – simply notice. Most people just want to be heard, and allowed to feel their feelings. Feeling them is what allows them to eventually lighten up, fade away, or transform. Advice, judgment, and rationalizations are a good idea to avoid. Once they grieve, it’s easier to focus on the happy memories and good times.
For now, it’s also best to not mention getting a new pet. If and when that time comes, they can share that with you in their own way. You might consider a sympathy card, a condolence card, a quick note, or a thoughtful gesture that resonates as well. Send or create a memorial gift with them, or maybe even suggest a personalized indoor or outdoor remembrance of some kind.
When an animal companion goes over the rainbow bridge, be very gentle and kind to the grieving person. The goal is to offer comfort and peace. Support their mental health and grieving process with the right words.
What can I do to support you?
What is your pet’s name?
You have so many beautiful memories
There’s no rush to “feel better” or “move on”
It sounds like you had such a special bond
I know your pet was your best friend and a beloved family member
What a wonderful gift he/she was!
I’d love to hear about your beloved pet sometime
I’m here for you, and want to listen
I’m happy to simply sit with you
Would you like to talk or share memories, or a photo album with me?
Tell me about your furry friend
Know the grieving process is totally normal, and different for everyone
How lucky he/she was to have such a loving owner and family with you
I’m sending thoughts and prayers during this hard time
I’m sure your heart is broken, and I understand
One definition of grief is the natural reaction to change or loss of any kind. It’s also what occurs when there is a shift in a pattern of familiar behavior. Think about how often this happens in life! We are not taught to normalize it for ourselves and others. Grief still remains somewhat of a taboo subject. No wonder we may feel stuck, isolated, or broken.
Grief encompasses more than just death. While there are of course many different scenarios, there is some overlap in the experience of loss of a loved one, breakups, job loss, pet loss, and financial and medical changes. When it’s a human, that relationship may have been toxic for you, wonderful, or a combination. We are complicated, and so are our relationships. The grief is there, regardless. When it’s an animal, on the other hand, it tends to be more pure and less complex. This kind of heartbreak is unique.
Our emotions are certainly not linear, and we may cycle through all or some of the “classic” stages of grief at different times and in a different order. These may include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, none of the above, or others. It can be helpful to journal or exercise to support emotional flow and release of pent-up stress. Remember that grief can come out in a multitude of ways, including sadness, crying, anger, rage, anxiety, hopelessness, confusion, numbness, and paralysis. Emoting is part of being in a human body, and is always valid.
Sometimes hearing from others about their loss is validating for your own experience. We’re all human, and we all grieve, especially for our furry friends. Do you relate to any of these sentiments?
“What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us.”
Helen Keller
“The bond between a pet and a human is a sacred one, and when a pet is gone, a part of us goes with them.”
James Herriot
“The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be.”
Konrad Lorenz
“Everyone is taught that angels have wings, but the lucky ones of us find they have 4 paws.”
“Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them, and filling an emptiness we didn’t ever know we had.”
Thom Jones
“Nobody can fully understand the meaning of love unless he’s owned a dog. A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than a man can gather through a lifetime of handshakes.”
Gene Hill
“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.”
Roger Caras
“No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.”
Leo Dworken
“What greater gift than the love of a cat.”
Charles Dickens
Here are some of the lines that hurt. You hopefully already understand this, but these types of comments are not helpful even if you mean well:
It is horrific when someone has to put their pet down, but sometimes it’s necessary. If the animal is suffering and there’s nothing the providers can do, it may be the option an owner chooses. Strive to be extra gentle and sensitive if someone you know is dealing with this. If they are a close person to you or seem open to sharing, you can offer to talk about their pet. Listen with care. Do everything you can to support them through any second-guessing, guilt, blame, and despair. These are common emotions. Some things you can say are:
The practical, material things matter too, and can make a huge difference for someone grieving their pet. Here are some ways you can offer support:
Below are some additional resources that may support you or loved ones in grieving a pet. The first is the wonderful organization through which I got certified in grief recovery, including their pet loss program.
We are all here to support each other. Please leave your pet’s name in the comments below, so we can hold their memory with love as a collective.
In my experience, having a guide through loss prevents us from getting stuck there. There is no shame, and in fact great power, in asking for help. Sometimes we need a grief counselor or other professional to support us through challenges like losing a cherished pet. They are an important part of the family. I’m a certified grief recovery specialist, which includes the pet loss program for fur-baby related grief, so you can reach out to me as well at erin@centeredone.com. I am also happy to help you find a local pet loss support group. Sending a big hug!
Read this post for more ideas on what to say to someone grieving.
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