Most of the time, relationships start out great. Both people are investing their time, effort, and emotions into making the relationship flourish. This effort and emotional openness is required to develop trust and stability.
However, as time goes by, it’s not uncommon for one or both parties to emotionally withdraw. It can take a toll on the relationship, and even lead to its destruction. But emotional withdrawal does not always doom a relationship. We are going to cover what it means and what you can do about it.
Emotional withdrawal is when a person (or both) in a relationship pulls back in some way. It obviously refers to doing so emotionally, but it can also be physical or energetic. This usually occurs as a defense mechanism of sorts, meaning the person is trying to protect him or herself (either consciously or unconsciously).
In other cases, it can signal the end of a relationship. If someone doesn’t know how to communicate their feelings directly, they may start to check out and pull back. Withdrawal is usually very painful for both parties, but especially the one being withdrawn from. If it is not addressed and repaired, the relationship is likely over.
Here are some of the signs that emotional withdrawal is happening in a relationship:
There are countless possible reasons for partner withdrawal. But there are two that are the most fundamental from my perspective. They can be divided as follows.
Fear of emotional intimacy and related attempts to protect the self is the most likely reason for withdrawal. Many people do this unconsciously, meaning they don’t know they are doing it and that it is the actual driver of their behavior.
Because we all have triggers and past trauma (to varying extents), coping mechanisms and avoidance come up at times. When we get close to someone, vulnerability increases and it can become uncomfortable or scary. A natural (yet unhealthy) way to create distance is to withdraw. Withdrawal from a relationship can be full, in the sense of a breakup, or partial (only emotional, physical, or in smaller ways).
This behavior may be connected to those with “avoidant attachment,” one of the main attachment styles. While we are all a mix of all three styles, and labels aren’t always helpful, looking into this may be supportive in your healing journey (on either end).
This reason is similar to the one above in that they are both driven by fear. You’re probably noticing that emotional withdrawal has just that at the core: fear. If someone has anxiety about communicating or avoidant tendencies, they may pull away instead of directly talking about it.
This can occur either because the person truly has moved on and no longer feels the same way, or it can be more of a protective mechanism, ie, number 1 above. Due to past experiences, family conditioning, or trauma, they may associate closeness with pain or abandonment and view withdrawal as a safer bet.
The first thing you can try is addressing the elephant in the room. Ask your partner to talk, or even just to spend some time together. Schedule a fun activity or date night to reconnect. If things go well, you can gently bring up how you’re feeling. It’s helpful to use “I” statements versus blaming. Share that you miss them or hope to bridge the gap you feel. See if they are receptive.
If you’ve been withdrawn from, or you suspect this pattern, you may feel extremely anxious or wonder if it’s your fault. Even if you’re the one doing the withdrawing, you probably have a lot of emotions at this time.
Somatic tools like meditating, taking deep breaths, yoga, exercise, and journaling are all therapeutic. They will help you calm down, ground, and release what needs releasing. The parasympathetic nervous system is activated through these activities, versus the sympathetic system that drives stress and anxiety. Then, you will be more able to communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly or take action.
A couples therapist is often the answer in situations where someone is trying to withdraw emotionally. Having an outside, neutral yet caring and trained person to help you and your partner sort through things is invaluable.
Overcoming emotional withdrawal is more likely when a therapist can help in creating a safe space, as well as time to process any emotional pain between you. They will help you both explore emotions in a healthy way. Creating a cycle of repair instead of a cycle of hurtful words and emotional withdrawal is key to healthy relationships.
For more details on couples therapy for trust issues, read this blog next.
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