Empathy is a beautiful thing, and the world needs a whole lot more of it. The term “empath” derives from empathy, and indicates someone with extra high levels of sensitivity, care, and openheartedness. This personality trait is often a trauma response, but it may also be genetic or simply a gift of sorts.
Empaths and highly sensitive people (HSPs) are emotional sponges. They pick up on the emotions, feelings, and energy of others and may have a hard time tending to their own needs. HSPs may also get sensory overload, compassion fatigue, or become drained easily.
More recently, the term “dark empath” has emerged onto the mental health landscape. In this post, we’re going to talk about what it means, how dark empaths may hide in plain sight, and how to spot and escape these types of unhealthy individuals.
First let’s cover what a dark empath is. Then, you will have the ability to understand the psychology of the dark triad personality disorder that characterizes many of them.
As a side note, labels are not always accurate, and of course no one fits them completely or is 100% “bad.” The tragic truth is that most toxic people are traumatized themselves, which is the root of the abusive behavior. That does not make it any less damaging however. And it doesn’t mean you should accept it or be around it, which can be a very tricky dance for empathic people.
The most prevalent definition of a dark empath is someone who has this heightened sensitivity we just talked about, but uses it to manipulate rather than as a positive force for good. They have empathy along with the so-called dark triad traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. You could think of a dark empath as the flip side or inverse of an empath who has so much empathy that it turns toxic. For more about what is toxic empathy, read this blog.
As with most psychological traits, narcissism is a spectrum. It ranges from a touch of self-centeredness to full blown, diagnosed narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. Supply, or fuel, refers to the attention, control, and manipulation that narcissists unconsciously need and seek. Psychopathy is a related and sometimes more extreme condition marked by grandiosity and charm, plus a complete lack of empathy or conscience. And further still is Marchiavellianism, which shares most of these tendencies as well as a cruel, calculating focus on power, fame, or status.
As you can imagine, dark empaths can quite easily hide in plain sight. Here are two of the most common ways in which they do so.
Dark empaths are often drawn to public roles or high powered careers, such as politician, actor, singer, or lawyer – for obvious reasons. They are adept at maintaining a facade of purpose, civic duty, or empathy. But behind closed doors, it’s not pretty. Leaked reports, blind items, and ex partners are usually the sources through which truth comes out.
Another way to describe a dark empath, in my opinion, is someone who pretends to be empathic, but really is not. They are truly narcissistic or abusive, but smart enough to know about empathy and how to present themselves that way. Cognitive empathy is a term sometimes used to explain this false or fake display of empathy. In other words, the dark empath has the ability to read people and copy their emotional expression (but not feel it themselves).
The classic example is a “coach” or leader of some sort, describing themselves as an empath or recounting past experiences with abusers, when THEY are the real abuser. This is sadly very common in our day and age of social media, influencers, and rampant deception. Some dark empaths are knowingly doing this, to gain power, money, control, or followers, while others are unconscious of their own disordered behavior.
Learning to spot the toxic traits of a dark empath can literally save your life, and definitely your mental health. Follow these tips to protect yourself as well as help the people in your life do the same.
Heed your gut instincts. If you’re reading this, you are likely a true empath or sensitive soul. This means you have a special ability to sense what’s going on underneath the surface. Listen!
Even if you don’t consider yourself particularly intuitive, your gut or unconscious is picking up on signals before your conscious mind. Think of it as a survival mechanism, because it is! If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right. You can give it time or observe a person or situation more than once to confirm. But the smartest thing you can usually do is trust your intuition up front and always.
Ask yourself how you feel after interacting with people: drained, confused, hurt, heavy OR happy, lighter, relieved, supported? Do actions match words, or is there a disconnect? What are your spidey senses saying? Journaling or meditating can help bring clarity.
Other behaviors to look out for (that may or may not be done alongside or intermittently with empathy or positivity) include gossiping, putting you down subtly, too much sarcasm, guilt tripping, playing the victim, love bombing, and ghosting.
Dodging the toxic web of a dark empath can be a challenge, as they do indeed hide in plain sight. That is their nature; they hide behind a veneer of false empathy. But now that you are educated on the topic, you can spot them and get out, whether it be a romantic relationship, friendship, coworker, or family member.
Protect your peace, and value yourself enough to know that you deserve healthy connections. Empaths tend to struggle with boundaries, but this is a good lesson in how you must learn to put your mental health first. Don’t hesitate to seek out further support through a therapist or crisis center as well, if you need it. Hugs!
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