On the face of it, pleasing people sounds like a positive and maybe even altruistic thing. What could be wrong with nurturing relationships and creating harmony within them? Nothing. However, chronic or imbalanced pleasing of others can come at a price. It often takes a toll on the mental health and self-esteem of the person doing it, not to mention that over time it can actually hinder healthy connection.
In today’s post, we will explore how to stop being a people pleaser and why this is a worthwhile endeavor. Read on for an effective guide to healthier giving within relationships.
We are going to talk about what a people pleaser is, what causes this pattern, if it’s “bad,” how to know if you are doing it, and how to stop.
The term people pleaser indicates someone with a strong urge to make others happy, including to their own detriment. People pleasing tendencies usually refer to an unhealthy preoccupation with how others react to you, to the point of neglecting self-care and your own needs or desires. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your loved ones and friends to approve of you, but when it is not balanced with proper boundaries and self-worth, it can become destructive.
There are several possible causes of people-pleasing behavior, as I’ve listed below. And as with anything, it is a continuum. Relating to or feeling some of these at times is perfectly normal.
It’s not bad per se to please others. But when it supersedes pleasing or protecting yourself and your own needs and feelings, it is no longer a good thing.
The core of most pathological or extreme people pleasing is trauma. It is a type of trauma response sometimes called fawning. The main responses are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. When someone has been abused or neglected in the past, especially if in childhood, they may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms. One of these is to fawn, which means to please or conform to others to try and minimize further abuse, conflict, or chaos.
The problem with doing this is that you are essentially neglecting yourself now. People pleasing may have started with small acts of generosity or harmless flattery and attempts at closeness. But we’re veering into the land of codependency when pleasing others becomes enabling (ignoring, downplaying, or making excuses for mistreatment of self or others). It’s also not healthy when you feel resentful, hurt, or angry inside but are masking those natural reactions in order to “keep the peace.” Over time, you are in fact eroding your own sense of self and identity. Plus, you are in turn showing other people that they can take advantage of or manipulate you without repercussion.
Furthermore, people-pleasing is actually a form of manipulation. Even if you have good intentions, which most do, unconsciously you are trying to control the other person by pleasing them. Pleasing implies hiding what you really want to say or do in order to maintain the status quo or not upset someone. The fear underneath this, as I noted above, may be abandonment, rejection, loneliness, being seen, or something else.
Check out the following signs of people pleasing. Then you can evaluate yourself and your relationships to see if this is a dynamic you need to address.
Your gut instinct or spidey senses will usually tell you something is wrong far earlier than your logical mind. Even if you can’t place why, you may have a queasy feeling in your stomach, a sense of dread, or other symptoms like headache or uneasiness around certain people or situations.
Alarm bells are going off, and it’s up to you to listen, even if they are subtle. Journal, take a walk, meditate, talk to a confidante — whatever helps you gain clarity on what is not sitting right.
Stop and take an inventory for a minute. Do you give and receive roughly the same amount in your relationships? Do you feel drained or stressed trying to keep connections alive or working?
If you’re reading this, you are likely an empath or kind soul. This means you intuitively give from a full heart. But tragically, not everyone is like this. You have probably learned this lesson the hard way. Takers and narcissists may be drawn to you due to your sensitive nature, and you need to learn boundaries to balance things out.
Disappointing others brings up intense anxiety for most people pleasers. You may apologize when nothing is your fault, try to placate toxic people, or constantly feel guilty or worry about how people will respond to you.
You are never obligated to do something you don’t want to do. Read that again. It’s obvious, but may come as a revelation for pleasers. Any consequences of saying no are not your responsibility when it’s another adult. For more detail around how to set boundaries in a relationship, read this blog next.
You can indeed shift out of being a people pleaser. Ultimately, it’s about learning to value yourself above others. This may sound selfish but it’s not — it sets the foundation to actually have successful relationships. Plus, when you have strong self-esteem all areas of your life will improve. It’s reminiscent of the saying, you can’t give from an empty cup. Well, you can, but it will be debilitating over time. You may even start to hate yourself and resent the other people involved too.
People pleasing is often associated with suppressed or numbed out feelings. One step in the right direction, and a great first one, is to release your true emotions. Underneath all those calm or friendly or agreeable words and actions is probably some anger, grief, sadness, anxiety, or fear.
Somatic release exercises are physical or body-based methods that help you heal and express. These include shaking, deep breathing, somatic experiencing (SE), and EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Plain old working out, like running or lifting weights, can work extremely well too.
I sound like a broken record about boundaries, but they really are the answer in so many cases. Boundaries refer to invisible or psychological lines that distinguish you from other people, and from what you will and will not tolerate. They enable you to keep your self-respect and establish a structure of safety in relationships. Once this exists, you can trust yourself and other people and thus develop a healthy connection.
Small steps will help you feel more comfortable at first. For example, if someone asks you for a favor you’d rather not do or don’t have time for, politely decline. Say something simple like, “I have an appointment tomorrow, but I will be thinking of you.” Start by saying no or expressing a need via text and work your way up to in person conversations. If you start to feel guilty or anxious, take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you matter too!
One of the best tactics to use when beginning a journey of boundaries and self-worth is to say, “Let me get back to you.” This versatile phrase can be used in almost any situation. It gives you the space and time to process the request or situation and then provide a well-informed and intuitively accurate response.
Good questions to ask yourself include:
People pleasing tendencies can feel quite entrenched into our personality or relationships, especially if they arose from trauma. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Therapists and other mental health professionals are trained in supporting the healing process in a wide variety of situations. They can guide you through recovery from any past challenges as well as suggest practical ways to enact healthy boundaries and stop people-pleasing.
There you have it! I hope you have gained something from this blog about what people-pleasing is and how to stop doing it. It can take some reflection, negotiation, and outside help to find balance in your relationships.
Remember that your kindness and empathy are beautiful and much needed in this world. But examine your motivations and only give when it feels true. Honor yourself first and watch your self-esteem and relationships soar.
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