The word vulnerability can evoke all sorts of reactions. It can be triggering, sometimes without us realizing. That’s because it is one of the most important elements of healthy relationships, but also one of the hardest.
A lot of people struggle with vulnerability because it requires emotional openness and trust. Relationships without vulnerability are certainly possible, and maybe even more common in today’s culture. But they usually remain surface level and lack true emotional connection. In today’s post we are going to talk about vulnerability in relationships and how you can practice vulnerability in a balanced way. The key is honoring yourself while also honoring others.
Embracing vulnerability plays a major role in building trust, emotional intimacy, and long term relationship satisfaction. Furthermore, many relationship challenges occur when people avoid vulnerability. While it can feel scary, uncomfortable, or even terrifying at first, it allows partners to develop deeper trust, communication, and understanding.
One of the best first steps you can take within yourself is viewing vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness. It truly is. Having the courage to be seen for who you are is no small feat. With the right people, the risk is always worth it.
Being vulnerable means allowing another person to see your true self. This may include thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, dreams, past experiences, or current situations. When you are vulnerable, you are emotionally honest.
Vulnerability is relevant in all kinds of relationships, including romantic partners, family members, friends, and colleagues. Of course, it tends to be most relevant in partnerships and other close connections. Most of us are not sharing deeply at work, and it’s safest not to. Every situation and type of relationship calls for a different level of openness.
It’s natural to feel trepidatious to share your true self. Most of us have past wounds and imprinting that impact how we show vulnerability. If you have a trauma history, and even if you don’t, you may feel strong discomfort or aversion at the idea of being vulnerable. Here are some of the most common reasons it can be challenging.
It’s natural to fear being your true self and someone leaving or rejecting that tender part of you, especially if you have a trauma background or have been cheated on or betrayed. But with time, trust, and sometimes therapy or a good friend to support you through it, you can get there. This of course only applies if the person you’re relating to is also willing and emotionally available (a big caveat to be aware of).
Once you feel safe, you can be open to other people. Vulnerability is the heart of relationships and if you can’t or won’t be yourself, the other person will not see or value the real you. This limits the extent of intimacy and depth.
For more detail about emotional withdrawal in relationships, read this blog here.
How much you share is totally up to you. You have to balance healthy boundaries with openness, and navigating that dance can be tricky. Keep in mind that vulnerability is not about sharing everything immediately. The best way is to gradually build trust over time.
Some relationships never get there due to a mismatch in values or personality, or red flags. If something feels off or the person in question has not made you feel comfortable to express yourself or share further, definitely don’t push it. Our intuition is often picking up on far more than our logical mind, especially when it comes to trustworthiness and safety. Heed the signs, and distance yourself if needed. For specific guidance on how to set boundaries in a relationship, read this blog here.
Healthy vulnerability, on the other hand, happens in relationships where both partners respect each other’s feelings and boundaries. An ideal level of vulnerability helps create a deeper connection without sacrificing personal boundaries and limits.
Vulnerability is important for the following reasons:
Here are some of the signs of balanced vulnerability:
Breaking down how to start being emotionally vulnerable, or deepening your journey, can make it less overwhelming. Try these 5 strategies.
Baby steps! Begin by sharing little things about your day. Work up to bigger emotions and weightier issues. Starting with text, email, or phone sharing can also be a good way to ease into face to face conversations.
You can share your true feelings while also being kind and respectful. Practice with “I” statements. For example, I felt anxious when you didn’t tell me you would be late (instead of “how could you do that to me?”). At the same time, don’t sugarcoat the truth when it is important.
Active listening means listening without judging, interjecting, or reacting defensively. Give the person space to share fully. Then, you can formulate any questions or responses. Repeating what they said to make sure you got it can be helpful too.
Don’t hold back about your feelings and needs, especially when something upsets you. Communicating worries, insecurities, and desires is healthy. Hiding them or holding them in to keep the peace is destructive over time and can build resentment.
Receiving your loved one’s feelings and thoughts with consideration is what encourages more sharing. You both deserve that, and feeling safe is a prerequisite to vulnerability. Even if you disagree or feel hurt, try to extend the same care to your partner as you hopefully do to yourself (learn more on that here).
One of the “OGs” of vulnerability research is Brene Brown. Look into her work if you like, or check out some more of my relationship themed blogs here.
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