Every human experiences loss, in a plethora of great and small ways. Transitions and heartbreaks bring grief, which can build up if not dealt with. The buildup may be in the form of anxiety, reactivity, triggers, anger, tears, or depression, among other things.
Grief is an uncomfortable yet inevitable part of life. While some people are exposed to many, intense losses, others seem to only experience minor upsets. Everyone copes in their own way, and there may be a variety of emotions and responses. It can be a long, winding process, and often comes in waves. Read on for more on why grief comes in waves, and how to heal.
One definition of grief is the natural reaction to change or loss of any kind. It’s also what occurs when there is a shift in a pattern of familiar behavior. Think about how often this happens in life! Yet grief still remains somewhat of a taboo subject. No wonder we may feel stuck, isolated, or broken.
Common situations include grieving the loss of a loved one, breaking up, losing a job, pet loss, and financial and medical changes. Here are 3 reasons grief comes in waves, then we’ll cover the best ways to cope with grief and feel better.
The dynamic with the person who passed or where the relationship ended may have been unhealthy, wonderful, or a combination. We are complicated, and so are our relationships. Because of this, we can experience a whole host of mixed feelings. One moment we might feel relief, if there was a long illness or abusive situation that ended; and the next, we can feel sadness, fear, or regret. Emotions themselves tend to ebb and flow like waves, and especially so if there are the conflicting feelings that characterize grief.
We all have obligations, jobs, social commitments, and/or people and pets who depend on us. It’s not always possible to focus on the grieving process fully. And that is actually a good thing. It is easier and healthier to take breaks from deep grief and sadness. For this reason, you often hear of people diving into work or other distractions when loss hits.
The body and psyche can only take so much at a time, and this defense mechanism of sorts protects the system from descending too far into darkness. Grief may come up very intensely at times, then wane, then cycle through again.
Grief may never go away completely, but it can change and transform. It will eventually lighten up as you heal. You can relate to it as an energy or consciousness, which needs to run its course. And the course of grief has ups and downs like waves. Overwhelming emotion is followed by a respite period, then a new wave comes.
Your body, mind, and heart are adjusting to a new normal, a new reality after loss. While extremely painful, grief serves a therapeutic purpose. The waves of grief must be allowed to flow as much as possible. Your emotions are rising and falling on a daily and moment to moment basis as you process grief.
Grief is not easy to deal with for anyone. Here are some general suggestions to help you heal and have patience with the grieving process. Respect your mental health as much as possible as you experience grief. Catch your breath and take your time.
Grief is highly emotional. Your emotions are asking to be felt and released. Feeling them is what allows them to eventually lighten up and fade away. It’s also what prevents overreactions, prolonged distress or stuck-ness, and taking them out on others.
It can be helpful to journal or exercise when feeling grief. Both of these activities will support the emotional flow and release of pent-up stress. Writing might include penning a letter to one or more of the following:
Remember that grief can come out in a multitude of ways, including ways that don’t appear to be grief related. For example, paralysis, rage, or numbness. Have compassion for yourself through it all. You are human, and grief is always valid.
While our lives rarely match up with prescribed stages from a textbook, some frameworks are helpful to know about. Naming experiences or emotions can bring relief and normalize what you’re going through. This applies to the stages of grief theory. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, is the person who popularized the stages of grief. She is most famous for her book “On Death and Dying.”
Here are the traditionally established 5 stages of grief:
Our emotions are not linear, and we may cycle through all or some of these stages at different times and in a different order. If you’d like to learn more about the lesser-discussed yet important bargaining stage, check out this blog: what is bargaining in grief.
It’s understandable to feel lost or overwhelmed with grief. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it takes great courage. Sometimes we simply need an objective or trained person to support us through loss. A mental health professional can also recommend further resources, such as a support group. Having the right support decreases the chances of grief turning into post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or other symptoms as well.
Take comfort in knowing you are not alone in your waves of grief. It is a universal and healthy, yet uncomfortable, experience. Grieving happens more than people realize. Be kind to yourself and your hurting heart, and seek out help. In time, you will feel better and emerge as a stronger soul.
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