Gaslighting is a somewhat “trendy” mental health related term that has gained traction in popular culture in recent years. It is a manipulative tactic in relationships that is both abusive and destructive. We are going to cover an aspect of gaslighting that is less talked about, and perplexing for many of us. Can it be unintentional or inadvertent?
Let’s first cover what exactly it is. Then you will better understand if you are experiencing gaslighting or have in the past. You can also be a resource and support for the people in your life, if such dynamics become apparent.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a person or group manipulates one or more others. Over time, victims may start doubting their own perceptions or question their sanity. When your feelings or experiences are repeatedly challenged or minimized, it is natural to feel “crazy.” This is the goal, as it makes it easier to gain power and exploit.
Gaslighting involves progressively gaining control via emotional and psychological abuse. Abuse may take the form of lying, dismissing, putting down, guilting, shaming, withholding, or being ostracized or labeled. The impact of gaslighting behaviors can be massive, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, at work, or with family.
The term gaslighting comes from a 1939 play and then 1944 movie called Gaslight. It follows an abusive relationship between husband and wife. The husband manipulates his wife via strange behaviors like dimming and brightening the gaslights in their house, then denying that any of it is happening. His wife is repeatedly made to doubt herself and eventually believes his lies about how she is losing touch with reality. This is a classic abuse tactic of shifting blame and responsibility onto the victim.
The short answer is yes. It is just as common for a gaslighter to be unaware of their machinations as for them to be aware. Purposeful abuse is certainly frequent as well, tragically.
Yes! Most narcissists and abusers are actually somewhat unconscious to their own behavior. That’s what makes it pathological. Another way to say this is that it is embedded into their psyche and personality. They are blinded in a sense, to their manipulations, or at least to the true “reason” for it. This does not, I repeat, does not, make it any less toxic or damaging.
You are likely an empath or sensitive person, and it’s our nature to have oodles of compassion for people and their struggles. We truly understand suffering because we feel so deeply, and may have been through a lot ourselves. The key is to balance this empathy with healthy boundaries and strong self-worth.
It is possible, but sadly not very likely, for someone who chronically gaslights others to heal and change. They have to truly want to get better, and dedicate themselves to the mental health or other type of treatment that is professionally advised. Abusers usually became that way due to being abused themselves (with some exceptions, including mental illness). This is the heartbreaking cycle that often perpetuates through generations.
You owe it to yourself to stop letting yourself be gaslit, whether unintentional or intentional. Here are three ways to start to heal and break free.
As a side note, If you suspect that you yourself are unintentionally gaslighting others, these tips are also good for reflection purposes. Consider if you allow the people around you to express themselves freely and if you are able to validate their feelings. You might also like to talk with a trusted friend or a therapist to get feedback. Share your concerns and ask to learn more about healthy relationships.
You must learn to trust and value yourself. If you don’t, you are at risk of always being at the whim of abusers or takers. Your gut instinct, intuition, and preferences are worthy of respect. Many of us were taught by our family, society, or certain groups and belief systems that we can’t or shouldn’t trust ourselves. But this is simply not accurate. Practice tuning inward through tools like meditation, journaling, or processing with a friend.
Boundaries are limits you set for what you are comfortable or uncomfortable with. These usually become clearer once you have tuned in or increased your self-trust. Speak them with confidence — or even with trepidation. As you do it more, it will get easier.
If you feel strong resistance or fear around setting boundaries with a gaslighter, you may be in a trauma bond. For more detail about what are the signs of trauma bonding, read this blog here.
Finally, empower yourself through healthy support. Call a friend, family member, or safe person. Don’t hesitate to contact a local crisis center or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or thehotline.org, if things escalate or feel confusing. You need to put your safety and mental health first, always. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is not a healthy connection for you.
Abusive relationship dynamics are quite common. Sometimes it’s due to unintentional, learned behaviors or past trauma, and other times it is more serious. Either way, the effects of unconscious gaslighting are detrimental. You’ve taken the first step of education through this blog, now go get the help you need and deserve through loved ones and/or professionals. Big hug!
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