Trust is the bedrock of most relationships. Without a foundation of trust, relationships may struggle or end. One way to define trust is a healthy reliance on the other person, knowing and feeling that they will follow through and be there for you. Additionally, it usually involves a comfortability that they will not ever, or intentionally, hurt, betray, or lie.
Trust issues in relationships are extremely common. This is for two main reasons from my perspective. Firstly, unfortunately people DO betray trust often. And especially if this has already happened in a relationship dynamic of any kind, distrust lingers. The second main reason is the unhealed scars of the past, whether familial, romantic, friend, or work related. We tend to carry forward that bagge inadvertently – especially if therapy or other healing has not occurred. Prior trauma, loss, or breakups can deeply impact us. We may learn to close our hearts or become suspicious. These are both protective defence mechanisms, but are unhealthy and can lead to a whole lot more trouble.
Romantic relationships in particular require high levels of trust to last. It may be different for unconventional (but more popular nowadays) models like polyamory or non monogamy. But even in those types of relationships, trust is needed too, if perhaps a slightly different variety.
When trust is broken, it is one of the hardest things to fix. Couples therapy is one of the potential solutions to rebuild trust. Read on for how it can help, and what to expect with couples counseling.
Let’s get into some more detail about what exactly trust issues are and what causes them. Then we will cover how couples therapy fits in.
We tend to add “issues” after almost anything. While it can be a bit pejorative, it’s a helpful catchall of sorts. Trust issues, daddy issues, money issues, etc. There’s an “issue” because it’s unresolved. So trust issues indicate an unresolved lack of trust. The lack of trust is typically projected outward to all kinds of people and relationships (or, a specific kind).
This means the default mode or assumption is negative, not positive. It assigns meaning to actions, inactions, words, situations, that may not be there. That is how any worldview or belief system tends to work. It’s a filter through which we interpret reality. And in this case, the assigned meaning is distrust or even malicious intent.
If your first reaction is to not trust people, it could be related to trauma. Especially if you had traumatic experiences early in life, that can leave an imprint. When it comes to couples and romantic relationships, your parents’ relationship (if they had one) is the first model. If your parents divorced during your childhood or adolescence, that can be particularly hard. You instinctively know that relationships don’t always work out. And you may even view that as the inevitable conclusion, either consciously or unconsciously. The same effect can occur if your parents were together, but miserable or always fighting.
Even when there are no red flags or someone has earned your trust, it can still feel hard to trust. A related behavior is avoiding relationships altogether to protect yourself.
Here are some of the most common causes of trust issues for couples.
Yes, they can. If not addressed, trust issues may fester and grow out of control. Without trust intact, one or both parties will likely not be able to continue in the relationship. Or they will stick it out, unhappy and more likely to act out and cause hurt and destruction. It usually is best to deal with trust issues head on. This helps create a stronger foundation.
These are some of the main ways that therapy can help with trust issues and save a relationship.
Couples therapy can get right to the core of an issue. That’s the point. The biggest strength of any kind of therapy or counseling is this looking under the hood of what’s going on externally. A good therapist will safely guide the couple or individual into the hidden truths underneath the current relationship or situation. Getting to the root allows for actual healing, which allows for outward change.
A couples therapist is also guiding the exact communication between members of a couple. Learning that safe sharing is possible, and how to do it, is a big part of why couples therapists help with trust issues. Step by step and word by word, both people see how to better communicate their feelings, thoughts, fears, and worries – and be received. Communication skills can be learned.
In the same way that learning about the traditional stages of grief theory can help with loss, learning about attachment styles for example, can help with relationships. Nothing is black and white, and we are all a complex blend of all, but these frameworks can be very supportive.
For example, a couples therapist may identify that one person tends to be anxiously attached, which drives distrust or accusations. The three main attachment styles are secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment. We usually have one predominantly in how we relate to others. Becoming aware of this can be a first step in starting to shift toward healthier reactions.
A trained therapist can also introduce evidence based approaches, such as cognitive behavioral therapy and emotionally focused therapy.
Couples usually start to connect the dots of what is happening in their relationship through therapy. What’s playing out on the surface is caused by the underlying fears and patterns of each person.
Reflecting on how your childhood, family, past relationships, and experiences have shaped your view of relationships is worthwhile, and often part of engaging in therapy. What you witnessed in your family or in prior relationships does not have to continue. Your story is evolving, and you are learning better tools. One of my top recommendations to supplement this process is somatic healing, or releasing trauma from the body.
Rebuilding trust in your relationship and overcoming challenges is indeed possible. You and your partner can develop effective communication and feel secure again (or for the first time).
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