Grief is a universal experience. Every human goes through loss and change, in a plethora of great and small ways. These transitions and heartbreaks can build up if not dealt with. The buildup may be in the form of anxiety, reactivity, triggers, anger, tears, or depression, among other things. It can leak out daily, or in certain situations.
Understanding your grief will help you feel better and prevent this emotional leakage.
One such loss that is common yet not spoken about as much is a friend breakup. Whether you initiated the ending of a friendship or the other person did, it hurts. Or you may have been ghosted – aka, ignored and ditched – which has a particular sting to it. Heaven forbid, you did the ghosting!
While there are of course many different scenarios, the experience of loss is similar for all breakups and relationship changes, whether friend, romance, family, work, etc. The person or dynamic may have been toxic for you, or it could have been wonderful, or a combination. The grief is there, regardless.
Keep reading to better understand your grief and what to do about it. Your mental health deserves attention and care, just like your physical health.
If you have lost a toxic friend or partner, your feelings are likely complicated. On one hand, you may feel relieved and like you have a new lease on life. You may feel your energy, joy, motivation, or freedom coming back. At the same time, you may feel a gaping hole in your heart or soul. Both are normal, and both are often present at the very same time. You may also feel a strong urge to track the person down if they left or hurt you, or if this was a close friendship.
It is usually best to stop pursuing the other person, especially if they have ghosted, blocked, or broken up with you. Tend to your own feelings first. You are in the midst of grief, and it may feel very intense. While you perceive that speaking to or being with your ex-friend or partner will help, what you really need is to focus on yourself (at least temporarily). Feeling grief doesn’t necessarily mean you should reconcile. It is simply what happens when relationships change or end.
Address your grief over loss of a friendship in the following 5 foundational ways. No one wants to lose friends, but sometimes different journeys, personalities, or life events bring this outcome.
While our lives rarely match up with prescribed stages from a textbook, some frameworks are very powerful. Naming experiences or emotions can bring relief and normalize what you’re going through.
Here are the traditionally established 5 stages of grief:
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, is the person who popularized the stages of grief theory. She is most famous for her book “On Death and Dying.” And while it can be helpful, her research was on patients with a terminal diagnosis specifically. It’s a myth that the 5 main stages apply to everyone or every grief situation. Our emotions are certainly not linear, and we may cycle through all or some of these stages at different times and in a different order. Give yourself grace as you process your grief.
Grief is highly emotional. Your emotions are asking to be felt and released. Feeling them is what allows them to eventually lighten up and fade away. It’s also what prevents overreactions, prolonged distress or stuck-ness, and taking them out on others.
It can be helpful to journal or exercise when feeling grief. Both of these activities will support the emotional flow and release of pent-up stress. Remember that grief can come out in a multitude of ways, including sadness, crying, anger, rage, anxiety, hopelessness, confusion, numbness, and paralysis.
Have compassion for yourself through all feelings. Emoting is part of being in a human body, and is always valid.
Another layer to friend and romantic breakups is the possibility that the person is toxic. If you are aware of this, you may be the one who ended or is contemplating ending the relationship. Maybe you have not yet done it due to fear of repercussions, either for you or the other person. Feelings of guilt are a warning light to remind you to honor yourself and set boundaries. The person may try to manipulate you into reconnecting or doing what they want.
One of the most common types of toxicity in this scenario is narcissism. It ranges from simple self-centeredness to the full-blown pathological condition, marked by a complete lack of empathy. Until you learn to set strong boundaries and protect your energy, you may be drawn to narcissists. High levels of kindness, compassion, or generosity make you more susceptible. Ending the relationship and going no contact are usually the best path. Your health, both physical and mental, depends on it. Contact me at erin@centeredone.com if you need help extricating yourself.
As noted in the number 1 tip above, bargaining is one of the established stages or aspects of grief. It is a lesser known piece of the puzzle, yet worth considering. It also might be particularly relevant to friendship breakups.
Bargaining refers to the person with the loss making deals with themselves, a higher power, and/or outside source. They are usually (unconsciously or consciously) trying to resolve or lessen their pain. It may arise from feeling helpless and attempting to regain a sense of control. It can include a lot of “what if” questioning or “negotiating” with God or a higher power to change outcomes. If you relate to any of the following behaviors, understand that although painful, these are normal parts of bargaining:
Do your best to let yourself off the hook. Putting so much pressure on yourself to have somehow prevented the friendship rift isn’t fair.
It’s understandable not to know where to start. There is no shame, and in fact great power, in asking for help. Sometimes we simply need an objective or knowledgeable person to support us through loss and challenges.
Grief is a unique niche of human experience, and my expertise. One of my four health-related certifications (along with my master’s degree) is specifically in grief recovery. What is special about the model I offer to groups and individuals is that it is evidence-based and has 7 delineated steps. I’ve gone through it myself, both the model as well as many losses, and this tool really does help. If you would like to learn more, please email me at erin@centeredone.com.
There are many possible reasons that a friendship may end or change. It is one of the most common yet painful parts of life. Here are some likely triggers.
Life can get busy, especially during certain life stages like marriage, children, moving, and new career ventures. Sometimes being in a different place than friends leads to a natural growing apart. Other times, what differs between friends are values, worldviews, or priorities.
If one person is putting in all the “work,” the friendship may become unsustainable. Whether that work shows up in the form of reaching out to make plans or following through, or is more about doing the emotional heavy lifting of support and sharing, it needs to be roughly equal. If not, resentment can build or the person making the effort may give up.
Another possibility is that the friendship isn’t healthy. This can develop over time after an initial good run, or have been that way from the getgo. Examples of toxic dynamics include jealousy, manipulation, too much sarcasm, subtle or outright put downs, gossip, and frequent negativity.
Here are some of the signs a friendship is coming to an end:
The two primary ways to end a toxic friendship are a direct conversation and a natural drifting away (or escape). While in theory a conversation is the ideal, most respectful option, the reality is that most fall into the latter category. This is all the more true if the dynamic is unhealthy. And really, you don’t owe anyone anything, especially if they have disrespected you.
Putting up healthy boundaries should be your priority, and that does not always include a conversation. If someone engages in toxic behavior, the likelihood of them being able to take accountability or hear you is sadly low. Definitely give it a try if you feel safe doing so or they ask. You can express your feelings in a kind yet firm way, while maintaining whatever boundary is necessary.
Losing a friend usually triggers grief, just like any breakup. This may include shock, sadness, denial, or anger. In particular, there may be ambiguous grief, where there is no closure or you feel confused about what happened. Romantic breakups tend to be more clear cut than friend breakups.
You may struggle with feelings of abandonment, rejection, lack of forgiveness, obsessive negative thinking, or physical symptoms. Heachaches, insomnia, chest tightness, or gut distress are common with anxiety and may show up. Click on the preceding hyperlinks for further support with each of these unique effects, and I send you a big hug!
© Copyright Centered One LLC, All rights reserved.
Photos by:
