Abandonment is a very common experience in early life as well as adulthood. Tragically, trauma and other challenges like abandonment (a type of trauma) can shape and change the brain and perception of reality and relationships. This imprint usually carries into later life.
Abandonment may make you feel insignificant, ignored, hurt, angry, left behind, or helpless, and often affects confidence in self or others or life. However, healing from it is possible. Doing so will help you handle relationships and all kinds of situations better and more effectively. Most importantly, you will come to know your own value and worth and that it is not contingent on how someone treated you or on how an event unfolded.
Read on for a compassionate guide on how to heal from abandonment.
First we will cover what exactly abandonment means, so you understand and can identify any relevant experiences. Then we’ll go over how it feels, what causes it, and how to move through and transform it.
Abandonment refers to an emotional experience around feeling left or left behind, thrown away, ignored, betrayed, or forsaken. Intensity can range from minor to catastrophic.
Sometimes there is a perception of being abandoned but in objective reality or another person’s perspective, that didn’t occur or they didn’t mean to. BUT, all that really matters to our psyche as humans is our subjective experience. Your feelings are always valid. The key is to learn healthy coping and not inadvertently let these events dictate your life or identity.
Abandonment, at the core, feels like loss of love or connectedness. It is a very primal fear and wound, and can evoke dramatic reactions or internalization and self-blame. You may feel terrified, alone, hopeless, desperate, worthless, devastated, enraged, or any other number of emotions.
SWIRL is an acronym coined by psychotherapist Susan Anderson to describe five common stages of abandonment. They are: shattering, withdrawal, internalizing, rage, and lifting. Knowing these can be validating as you navigate the tumultuous journey of healing and reconciliation of self. As with the stages of grief, you may cycle through some or all of these in a different order and at different times.
An infinite number of experiences can induce feelings of abandonment. Every person is unique, and every person may interpret the exact same situation in different ways. That being said, there are some common root causes. Here are the top 3.
Trauma, which is any event causing extreme distress, often involves abandonment of some kind. It may be in the form of abuse, chaos, or catastrophe. In early childhood, we are particularly vulnerable to the actions and inactions of our caregivers and people around us. Our ability to process difficult things and for the brain to “file away” the emotional charge is limited, and thus it lingers. Therefore, a perception (or reality) of abandonment can be particularly strong and damaging.
Death of a loved one is a prime cause of abandonment issues because this is literally, physical abandonment (though not the intent of the person). It is one of the biggest causes of struggles with abandonment, understandably so. We can’t bring back those who have passed. It is heartbreakingly final, and we may have separation anxiety plus develop a fear of abandonment going forward.
Neglect occurs when parents, caregivers, or partners are emotionally or physically unavailable or inattentive. This is abandonment while still being there in some capacity, which in some ways is just as painful as death. The child or adult may feel a profound sense of insecurity or mistrust, which can manifest later as insecure attachment in relationships (such as an avoidant attachment style or disorganized attachment style). Attachment styles are good to know about and look into, but remember that you can indeed heal and shift into a more secure attachment style.
Everyone’s healing process is different, but here are some of the best ways to start. Try out whatever calls you the most strongly first.
Healing from abandonment starts with acknowledging how you feel. Emotions may seem scary, or you may fear that once the floodgates open, you won’t be able to stop it. The opposite is true; many intense emotions don’t actually even need that much time to release. Let them come out. Sit with them, journal, meditate, listen to music, cry, scream, exercise, whatever feels right at any given moment. This is a very important grieving process. You may be surprised at how much lighter you feel afterward, or as you start to allow this.
One of the most unfair aspects of the aftermath of trauma and abandonment is the negative self-talk. This may include negative assumptions about other people, expectations of further abandonment, or low self-worth. Through no fault of your own, you “learned” that abandonment is possible. And then you may extrapolate this into some or all future relationships.
The answer here is to start to notice these thoughts and feelings, and push back on them. Flip them into something positive or that feels better. This is similar to techniques used in cognitive behavioral therapy CBT and dialectical behavior therapy DBT. Just because something bad happened once or many times, does not mean it is your destiny. It’s up to you to take a stand for yourself and your life. Definitely not easy, but you can do it!
Basic self-care can fall by the wayside for trauma and abandonment survivors. You may think, why bother? Or you may not have the energy to take care of yourself properly. If you are feeling too depressed, seek out a therapist or crisis center as soon as possible. But some simple daily tasks to be aware of are:
Ultimately, the goal is to connect to healthy people and experience relationships without abandonment. Learning how to set boundaries and communicate clearly is usually a big piece of the puzzle.
Start slowly, by cultivating connections with people who feel safe. Friends first is a great way to test the waters too. Check in with yourself: how do you feel in this person’s presence? Do they support your feelings, interests, and desires? Can they take caring criticism or an expression of needs? Abandonment survivors are often highly sensitive empaths, and your gentle nature is beautiful. But there is also value in learning how to be less sensitive. For some tips on turning down the sensitivity a notch while still honoring it, read this blog here.
We can’t always handle things on our own, and there is absolutely no shame in that. Look for a mental health professional who specializes in trauma or abandonment if you can. They should be able to provide a safe space for you to emote and feel and work through everything, including building a sense of resilience. You could also consider a support group or books that address abandonment related situations you’ve been in as well.
Congratulations on getting this far. Abandonment is one of the most painful types of trauma to go through. It brings a particular type of grief and heartbreak. But there is hope for healing and recovery. The core truth of it all is that abandonment events and other people’s behaviors do not reflect on you as a person or your value. The scars of trauma, especially in youth, may tell us otherwise. However, by taking the steps I’ve outlined here, you will hopefully start to see yourself and the situation in a more realistic light. A brighter future awaits!
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