Navigating relationships is one of the central activities of life, and one of the greatest joys. But it can also be a challenge, to say the least. Setting boundaries is perhaps the most important theme of learning how to have healthier, happier relationships. In this post, we will talk about how to set boundaries in a relationship, whether it be with family members, a romantic partner, friends, or at work.
There are emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, financial boundaries, sexual boundaries, and spiritual boundaries, to name a few. All of them define what you will and won’t tolerate or allow, as well as what differentiates you from other people and other behaviors or perspectives. Let’s go over more about what boundaries are, how they are healthy, why they are crucial, how to set them, and some examples.
Boundaries are invisible lines or energetic/psychic structures that allow you to maintain your identity and self-respect while in a relationship. They distinguish where one person ends and the other begins, and enable trust and balance within the connection. Boundaries are essential for creating safety, which is the foundation of healthy intimacy.
Absolutely. It’s a myth (and outdated programming) to think of boundaries as unloving or unfair. In fact, they are required in order for a relationship to flourish long term — or even at all.
Toxic people, abusers, and narcissists thrive on lacking or nonexistent boundaries for this reason. If you don’t ever say no or set limits, it’s much easier for them to achieve their goals or manipulations. Overgiving or fearing speaking up are patterns suggestive of codependency, which many empaths and sensitive people can relate to. For more detail on how to heal from codependency, read this blog here.
Experts usually say that upholding boundaries are about YOU, not the other person, which is true. We must decide what is acceptable and unacceptable for us, and allow others to do the same.
Here are the two main reasons that boundaries are so important.
To use a visual analogy, I sometimes think of boundaries as a scaffolding or foundation. They create the ground on which you can stand, both on your own two feet and in a relationship. They make it possible to trust yourself while interacting with others and the world.
Another huge insight that took me a long time to metabolize is that our inner child, or inner self, may not feel safe enough to truly engage in relationships until boundaries are established. The core and reason for boundaries is self-love and self-respect.
Once you feel safe, you can then be open to other people. Vulnerability, aka sharing feelings and thoughts authentically, is the heart of all relationships. If you can’t or won’t be yourself, the other person will not see or value the real you. This limits the extent of intimacy and depth in a relationship.
It’s natural to fear being your true self and someone leaving or rejecting that tender part of you, especially if you have a trauma background. But with time, trust, and sometimes therapy or a good friend to support you through it, you can get there. This of course only applies if the person you’re relating to is also willing and emotionally available (a big caveat to be aware of).
The following tips will help you in the process of boundary setting. They often go in this order, but can be intermixed and drawn upon at any time.
The first step is to clarify within yourself how you feel. Usually you will have had some sort of emotional reaction or something doesn’t feel right. Sit with it, journal, exercise, take a walk, talk with a friend, whatever helps you process. Signals that a boundary may be needed include resentment, anger, overwhelm, anxiety, exhaustion, hurt, or confusion.
Now it’s time to speak up and tell the person in question how you feel. It’s not always wise to share everything, in fact I would suggest against that (and sometimes, it’s best to simply clarify within yourself and NOT share). But if you do, start small and try to stay neutral. Use I statements instead of blaming, such as, “I understand that you disagree, but I’d like to keep the conversation respectful” or “ I feel hurt {or insert relevant feeling} when you dismiss my concerns/opinions/feelings.”
This is the step that may feel most arduous. If you are a kind soul, giver, or empath, which my readers are (and you should be proud of that!), boundaries can trigger intense fear, guilt, or anxiety. The work is to breathe through it and remind yourself that your needs matter! You deserve to be treated with respect and to have your boundaries and feelings honored. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice you’ll see how much better things go and how your self-worth grows.
Many of us grew up in families where there were no boundaries, or distorted ones. Or, you may have lived through trauma, abuse, neglect, or loss. These challenges contribute to someone becoming an empath and having heightened sensitivity (and in other cases, becoming narcissistic). Empaths tend to struggle with boundaries because we want others to be happy and can often feel their emotions or judgments energetically. If you communicate a boundary and someone does not respect it, then you must decide how to respond. Options include re-stating the boundary, ending the conversation, leaving the relationship, and getting outside support. For more about emotional withdrawal in relationships, read this blog next.
Here are several examples of common boundaries in various types of relationships. Any of these may be spoken or unspoken.
Finding the right boundaries in all areas of life can take some time, reflection, and negotiation. But they are the bedrock of healthy relationships and interpersonal fulfillment. Plus, maintaining healthy boundaries will benefit your mental health and support you in spending time with all sorts of people. Enjoy!
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