Trauma bonding is unfortunately quite common. At the same time, it is a bit of an overused term. But perhaps for good reason, as awareness grows around mental health and how to recognize the signs of abusive relationships.
Not everyone realizes they are in a toxic relationship or unhealthy dynamic. In fact, most of the time people don’t understand that they have become attached or dependent on an abuser. Read on to learn what trauma bonding actually is and how trauma bonding occurs, plus how to help yourself or your friends and family break free.
Having a better understanding of what exactly a trauma bonded relationship is sets the stage to recognize the signs and then break a trauma bond effectively and safely.
Trauma bonds are emotional attachments formed between people in an abusive relationship. There is usually one abusive, narcissistic, or controlling person in relationship to a victim. The harm caused may be psychological, emotional, physical, and/or sexual.
Nothing is black and white and we all have a mixture of narcissistic and empathic behaviors. Narcissism and other toxic traits are a continuum, but some people have stronger tendencies or are diagnosed (with narcissistic personality disorder or psychopathy, for example).
Trauma bonds can lead to major mental health struggles and other negative effects. Their impact cannot be overestimated. Unhealed people tend to act out or pass that pain and mistreatment on to others, tragically. And unhealed people of the more kind or sensitive (vs. controlling) variety tend to be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationships like these. Past abuse, neglect, or trauma, especially in childhood, may lead to victims believing that they deserve mistreatment, or that it’s their fault.
Other examples of trauma bonds include cults, workplace harassment, human trafficking, and hostage or kidnapping situations. Stockholm syndrome is an extreme form of trauma bonding where the victim becomes attached to or idealizes their abuser(s). The term comes from a 1973 hostage situation in Sweden.
Here are 10 of the most common signs and stages of trauma bonding, broken into categories. Having a full understanding before you or someone you care about experiences any of this is ideal. You will be armed with the truth and more likely to break free and leave the relationship.
We all know that life happens though, and most of us have lived these patterns before learning what is actually occurring. That is perfectly OK, and bravo for opening up now so you can heal.
Trauma bonds often begin with the abused person being intensely flattered, pursued, validated, or adored (seemingly). Love bombing is this process of being “bombed” with love. The love is false, phony, and manipulative. It’s done to draw the person in and get them addicted. Many narcissists and abusers do this unconsciously, but that doesn’t make it any less damaging.
Real love doesn’t need to bomb. It’s slower and more authentic. Love bombing, or the “honeymoon period,” is when everything seems perfect and the victim thinks they have found their soulmate or happily ever after. The abuser mirrors everything their victim desires, likes, and fears. This means they make them feel completely and totally seen and accepted. The pace is usually lightning fast as well (to reel them in, hook, line, and sinker).
The love bombing stage can happen in friendship, work, or familial dynamics as well. For more on narcissistic family dynamics, read this blog here.
An abusive person is seeking control, consciously or unconsciously. In order to optimally get and maintain control, isolation is required. Isolating the victim is usually a process of separating them from their circle and coming in between people. Look out for this sign in relationships around you, including in celebrities and public figures. It is obvious once you know, and you can’t unsee it.
Estranged, strained, destroyed, or severed relationships tend to pop up around a narcissist. They may become that person’s “everything,” with a victim narrative around why this has occurred. We were done wrong, they say. Narcissists also often project, aka flip the truth around, saying other people were threatened by their bond or tried to break up their relationship (when really it’s the other way around).
Devaluation starts at varying times in a trauma bonded relationship, but usually right before, after, or at the same time as isolation. Devaluing means putting the person down and making them feel less than or without value. This can be done very subtly so as not to be obvious, which makes it all the more insidious. Gaslighting is part of it, where they deny the other person’s reality or feelings.
A mark of trauma bonds is a person being isolated from a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. The abuse or devaluing may crescendo or intensify, followed by a break with better treatment. This keeps the victim hooked, hoping one day the golden period or happy early days will return. They believe the abuser is in fact who they initially showed up as. But that is never true.
It is possible to break a trauma bond and move on to healthier relationships. Follow these tips to get started.
Tell a trusted person, or more than one, what you are going through. Sharing your feelings with someone safe will lighten the burden you feel. They will also likely remind you or help you see that being treated poorly or abusively is not acceptable. You can get out, and you deserve to. Hopefully they can support you throughout, which is often what gives people the strength to finally break free.
If you don’t feel comfortable confiding in anyone, recognizing the National Domestic Violence Hotline as an option is crucial. It is completely confidential, and you can call at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website at www.TheHotline.org.
Planning ahead is important when leaving a trauma bond or toxic relationship. This will not only help you feel more confident, but logistics will be taken care of. There may be a lot of factors and details to consider, such as where you will live when you leave, when and how you’ll take or retrieve your belongings, and how to respond if the person lashes out or tries to convince you otherwise.
Consider changing your phone number, filing a restraining order, and/or alerting friends and family how to support you or make your decision clear to the abuser if necessary.
Trauma bonds are very serious, and professional help is warranted. In addition to guiding you through how to leave, a mental health professional will be there to sort out the aftermath and any potential post-traumatic stress reactions (PTSD). They can also accompany you in the actual departure, especially if violence is a possibility.
Congratulations on educating yourself on trauma bonds and how to get out of them. This is life-saving information for you and your loved ones. Stay strong and seek lots of support as you break free and heal. A brighter future awaits!
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