Loss and grief are an uncomfortable yet inevitable part of life. While some people are exposed to many, intense losses, others seem to only experience minor upsets. Everyone copes in their own way, and there can be a variety of emotions and responses.
One definition of grief is the natural reaction to change or loss of any kind. It’s also what occurs when there is a shift in a pattern of familiar behavior. Think about how often this happens in life! Yet grief still remains somewhat of a taboo subject. No wonder we may feel stuck in it, isolated, or broken.
Common situations include grieving the loss of a loved one, breaking up, losing a job, pet loss, and financial and medical changes. The dynamic with the person who passed or where the relationship ended may have been toxic, wonderful, or a combination. We are complicated, and so are our relationships. The grief is there, regardless, and it’s always valid.
Our emotions are certainly not linear, and we may cycle through all or some of the “classic” stages of grief at different times and in a different order. These may include feeling numb, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance; it also may be none of the above, or different entirely. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, is the person who popularized the stages of grief theory. She is most famous for her book “On Death and Dying.” And while it can be helpful, her research was on patients with a terminal diagnosis specifically. It’s a myth that the 5 main stages apply to everyone or every grief situation.
Nevertheless, the stages are an interesting framework through which to look at grief. In this blog, we will focus on bargaining, a lesser discussed aspect of the grieving process. Bargaining is a natural reaction to grief, just like all the other stages.
Bargaining in grief refers to a stage or period of time where the person with the loss makes deals with themselves, a higher power, and/or outside source. They are usually (unconsciously or consciously) trying to resolve or lessen their pain. It may arise from feeling helpless and thus attempting to regain a sense of control. The bargaining stage of grief often occurs alongside other emotions like sadness, anger, and denial.
Bargaining in the grief process can look different for everyone, but there tends to be two categories: past and present. In other words, the attempt at a “deal” may be focused on the past or present.
For the past, a person may obsess over or ponder “what if” questions, like worrying that if they had only said or done something differently, the loss would have been prevented. This of course is not true, and tends to only bring more suffering. For present time bargaining, it may look like “negotiating” with God or a higher power to lessen distress or change outcomes.
Here are some common characteristics and feelings associated with bargaining:
Here are 4 ways to help someone who you suspect may be experiencing bargaining, or grief in general.
Easing the burden for a bereaved person is really about kindness and compassion. Someone grappling with bargaining in particular may benefit from your simple presence and listening ear.
If you’re interested in specific things you can say to support someone who has had a loss, check out this blog about what to say to someone in grief. Kind gestures like a heartfelt card or flowers go a long way, too. For specific flowers for grieving and their meaning, go here.
It’s important to remember that grief is highly emotional. They might want to try journaling or exercise to support emotional flow and release of pent-up stress. Grief can come out in a multitude of ways, including sadness, crying, anger, rage, anxiety, hopelessness, confusion, numbness, and paralysis. And allowing that process to do its thing is therapeutic and tends to reduce the length or intensity of grief.
Writing out fears, analyses, or bargaining-related thoughts may be helpful for the griever. Putting it all on paper (or computer) may support them in gaining some perspective. You might suggest they write a letter to one or more of these:
A person in the bargaining stage can be really in their head, torturing themselves. Written expression is a good option to start to disentangle and release some of the distorted thinking. If they don’t like writing, reflecting or sharing these types of feelings with a trusted person works too.
There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it takes great courage. And it reduces the chances of developing complications like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or prolonged grief disorder. A mental health professional can also recommend support groups or other tools to help them heal. Being able to accept the reality and move on with your life is greatly increased when resources like these are utilized.
Grief is a universal human experience. We can all relate, unfortunately. The key is the right support as well as healthy emotional release and expression. Life is full of ups and downs, and being prepared for the downs, for yourself and loved ones, goes far when it comes to protecting your mental health.
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