Trauma bonds are emotional attachments formed between people in an abusive relationship. There is usually one abusive, narcissistic, or controlling person in relationship to a victim. The harm caused may be psychological, emotional, physical, and/or sexual.
Nothing is black and white and we all have a mixture of narcissistic and empathic behaviors. Narcissism and other toxic traits are a continuum, but some people have stronger tendencies or are diagnosed (with narcissistic personality disorder or psychopathy, for example).
Trauma bonds can lead to major mental health struggles and other negative effects. Their impact cannot be overestimated. Unhealed people tend to act out or pass that pain and mistreatment on to others, tragically. And unhealed people of the more kind or sensitive (vs. controlling) variety tend to be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationships like these. Past abuse, neglect, or trauma, especially in childhood, may lead to victims believing that they deserve mistreatment, or that it’s their fault.
Trauma bonding is classically thought of as between people in a romantic relationship. While this is one of the most common dynamics, they can also happen in other types of relationships. Examples include friendships (the focus of this blog), cults, workplace harassment, human trafficking, and hostage or kidnapping situations. Stockholm syndrome is an extreme form of trauma bonding where the victim becomes attached to or idealizes their abuser(s). The term comes from a 1973 hostage situation in Sweden.
Friendships are a lesser known environment where trauma bonding occurs. In general, friendship dynamics are not spoken about enough. Many people go through very painful “friend breakups,” or grieving the loss of a friendship – among other situations.
Trauma bonds can happen between friends too. They may be particularly difficult since they are less expected. While mental health awareness has grown in recent years, some areas like this one remain more hidden. We will go over the signs, then how to break free from an abusive friend relationship.
Yes. In fact, the process of trauma bonding with a friend has a similar trajectory to when it is in a romantic context. But as I mentioned, we tend not to notice or look for it as much. Even with romance, most people miss the signs at first. And even still, if you are studied up and prepared intellectually to know about trauma bonding, being bombarded with it in real life is something else.
Separating yourself emotionally enough to see trauma bonding for what it is when it’s happening to you takes real skill. So, don’t beat yourself up if you are on the other side of such a situation, whether romantic, friend, or otherwise. Congratulations for now opening up to educate yourself. Knowledge is power, and eventually – healing.
Here are some of the most common red flags and signs of trauma bonding in friendships.
This first and notorious phase of trauma bonding happens in friendships as well. In fact, in almost all trauma bonding or toxic relationships, there is some element of love bombing. It is the glue which begins to draw in the victim and create a sense of emotional attachment.
If you think back through your life to any abusive or unhealthy dynamics with people, whether love, family, friend, work, or other, you will likely see this clearly. It begins with being intensely flattered, pursued, validated, or adored (seemingly). The “love” is false, phony, manipulative – and addictive. Many narcissists and abusers do this unconsciously, but that doesn’t make it any less damaging.
Real friendship and connection doesn’t need to bomb. It’s slower and more authentic. Love bombing, or the “honeymoon period,” is when everything seems perfect and the victim thinks they have found their ideal best friend, partner, or boss, etc. The abuser mirrors everything their victim desires, likes, and fears. This means they make them feel completely and totally seen and accepted. The relationship tends to get more intense or intertwined at a lightning fast pace (to reel them in and reduce logical thinking).
For more on narcissistic family dynamics specifically, read this blog here.
Your new best friend may very quickly say things about never having found a friend like you before, how your friendship is so unique and special, or how they want you two to spend all or a lot of your time together without others. They couldn’t possibly understand your bond, after all.
Abusive people are usually seeking control, consciously or unconsciously. In order to optimally get and maintain control, isolation is required. Isolating the victim is usually a process of separating them from their circle and coming in between people. Look out for this sign in relationships around you, including in celebrities and public figures. It is quite obvious once you know.
Estranged, strained, destroyed, or severed relationships tend to pop up around a narcissist or abuser. They may become that person’s “everything,” with a victim narrative around why this has occurred. We were done wrong, they say. Narcissists also often project, aka flip the truth around, saying other people were threatened by them or tried to break up the relationship (when really it’s the other way around).
Devaluation starts at varying times in a trauma bonded relationship, but usually right before, after, or at the same time as isolation. Devaluing means putting the person down and making them feel less than, which is emotional abuse. This can be done very subtly so as not to be obvious, which makes it all the more insidious. Gaslighting may be part of it, where they deny the other person’s reality or feelings.
A mark of trauma bonds is a person being isolated from a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. The abuse or devaluing may crescendo or intensify, followed by a break with better treatment. This keeps the victim hooked, hoping one day the happy early days will return. They believe the abuser is in fact the best friend who initially showed up. That is never true.
You can indeed heal from a trauma bond with a friend. It may feel insurmountable at first, but I assure you there are healthier people out there to build friendships with. Take a deep breath, and break free. Start with these three steps.
Tell a trusted person, or more than one, what you are going through. Sharing your feelings with someone safe will lighten the burden you feel. They will also likely remind you or help you see that being treated abusively or erratically is not acceptable. You can get out, and you deserve to. Hopefully they can support you throughout, which is often what gives people the strength to finally break free of trauma bonds.
If you don’t feel comfortable confiding in anyone, remember there are resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It is completely confidential, and you can call at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website at www.TheHotline.org.
Planning ahead is important when leaving a trauma bond or unhealthy relationship. This will not only help you feel more confident, but logistics will be taken care of. There may be a lot of factors to consider, such as how to respond if the friend lashes out, tries to convince you otherwise, or recruits other people for their cause.
If necessary, consider changing your phone number, filing a restraining order, or alerting a safe friend or family member how to support your exit from this friendship.
Trauma bonds can be very serious, even when it’s a friend. In addition to guiding you through how to leave the relationship, a mental health professional will be there to give emotional support and also sort out any potential post-traumatic stress reactions (PTSD). There is no shame in getting professional help, and it’s always worth it.
Now that you know the signs of trauma bonding in friendships, it’s time to act and set boundaries. Be strong and centered in your self-worth, and get lots of support. Life is too short for abusive people. They are very wounded themselves, but that is not your burden to bear.
One additional tip I have for you is to work on releasing trauma from the body. Your mind, body, and spirit are connected, and all have been impacted by a trauma bonded friendship. Don’t underestimate the effects that abusive people, including in friendships, can have. You deserve healing, restoration, and healthier connections going forward.
© Copyright Centered One by Erin, LLC. All rights reserved.
Photos by:
