Trauma is an event or situation that causes severe emotional distress. Most people experience trauma, whether minor or massive, infrequent or repetitive. Trauma often overwhelms the individual’s capacity to cope or process what occurred. Responses may include fear, helplessness, confusion, numbness, rage, shame, or depression.
When trauma occurs during childhood, it can be particularly challenging to overcome. The impact is usually lasting, heartbreakingly so. Some people understand that trauma residue or aftereffects is what they are experiencing, while many others haven’t yet connected the dots. And still others have what is called dissociative amnesia, where they have forgotten or blocked out what happened. It is a defence mechanism or coping tool of the mind, body, and spirit.
Childhood trauma may be described as “adverse childhood experiences” or ACEs. ACEs are traumatic events that occur before the age of 17. Research suggests that they can have a long term impact on both mental health and physical health. These impacts may be heightened when the trauma is repressed or particularly intense.
One such childhood traumatic experience is parental divorce. Read on for how divorce of parents can cause trauma in children, and how adult children of divorce can heal.
In perhaps a sad commentary on our current society, divorce is extremely common. It is in fact a more likely outcome for marriage than not, unfortunately. Therefore it’s not surprising that so many people have lived this experience with their parents as a child (or adolescent or adult).
Some of us are lucky enough to have parents who separated amicably or were able to keep things civil for the sake of everyone involved. Healthy divorce, or to use a trendy term, “consciously uncoupling,” is indeed possible, and less traumatic. But the frequently high levels of emotion, resentment, fear, or anger can throw that out the window pretty quickly.
Relationship breakups in general are often tricky, painful, and hard to navigate. Add on a marriage, financial concerns and dividing of assets, children, homes, and other complicated factors, and it can get ugly. Not to mention that many people are not open to therapy or emotional/psychological guidance on how to improve communication and other behaviors. And, perhaps if they were – a divorce would have been avoided. In other cases, no amount of therapeutic intervention would have healed the relationship.
The short answer is yes. Parental divorce can actually be one of the more traumatic experiences for kids to go through. There are layers of effects it can have, including on the child’s self-esteem and worldview, beliefs around marriage, and relationship to both parents (and/or other family members). These effects may be long lasting, especially if not addressed during or in the aftermath of the actual divorce.
Traumatic events like divorce may also cause triggers for the child or adult later in life. Read this blog here for more details about how to deal with trauma triggers.
Here are some of the most common effects that divorce of parents in childhood can have on adults. Then we’ll cover how to heal.
When childhood trauma from divorce or other events is not dealt with, the associated emotions or energy still exist. They are latent or operating beneath the surface of awareness, and may impact mood, behavior, or emotions.
Anxiety and depression of various kinds are the most prevalent forms this takes. Anxiety may appear as panic attacks, social phobia, irritability, or road rage. Depression is usually extreme (or mild) sadness, low mood, lethargy, fatigue, or lack of motivation. Mental health is very related to substance abuse and other addictions as well. So addictive tendencies may emerge, such as shopping, gambling, sex, alcohol, or drugs.
Kids whose parents divorce may have trouble concentrating in school. They may be distracted or act out. This can affect their performance or attendance. High levels of conflict between their parents where they feel stuck in the middle or pitted against one or more parties can be particularly damaging.
School counselors or psychologists may be available, so that is something to look into as a support system and to address any of these behaviors.
If your first instinct is to not trust people, it could be related to childhood divorce trauma. You instinctively know that relationships don’t always work out. And you may even view that as the inevitable conclusion, either consciously or unconsciously. Even when there are no red flags or someone has earned your trust, it can still feel hard to trust. A related effect is avoiding relationships altogether to protect yourself.
You can definitely heal and grow as an adult child of divorce. It may take some effort and time, but you are worth it.
It is very possible that you never grieved the loss that parental divorce caused in your childhood. Divorce trauma is more likely to be long lasting when there was not sufficient support or processing at the time. Delayed grief is common since many of us did not have the tools to cope. Keep in mind that grief often comes in waves, and all of your feelings are valid. Let them come out. Journaling and exercise can be helpful as you do this.
Reflecting on how your parent’s divorce affected your view of relationships or marriage is worthwhile. Try to remind yourself that what happened between your parents is not representative of all relationships, and doesn’t have to be your story too.
You might like to look into attachment styles, as they inform how we respond to connections. While theories like this one may not always resonate, the three main buckets that can be helpful to learn about are secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment. We are all a mix of the three, but usually have one predominantly in how we relate to others. Becoming aware of this is the first step in starting to shift toward healthier reactions.
Definitely seek out a therapist or counselor for further support. Sometimes we need a trained or objective person to help us process, move forward, and learn healthier dynamics. There is no shame there; in fact, it takes a lot of courage. If you’re already in a relationship, couples therapy can be helpful as well.
Finally, don’t neglect self-care. Be sure to engage in healthy habits such as a balanced diet, exercise, journaling, and mindfulness. Somatic practices can also be very therapeutic, so check out this blog next for more on releasing trauma from the body.
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