Some of the most arduous emotional work is forgiving people who have hurt you. That’s because, in my view, lurking underneath all forgiveness and lack of forgiveness is grief. And grief must be felt and processed in order to lighten (usually), which paves the way for true forgiveness.
Fake forgiveness or spiritual bypassing — meaning lip service or skipping over the required emotional work — is rampant these days. It’s become almost a trite saying or method of gaslighting to tell people they must forgive (often connected to a veiled threat that they in turn will not be forgiven, or will be subject to some sort of misery or punishment). While this may or may not be true spiritually, depending on your belief system, what it does is cheapen and gloss over the actual process. Not to mention that it shames people and doesn’t give them any tools to help make it possible.
Forgiving someone who deeply hurt you is profoundly difficult. But it’s one of the most important decisions you can ever make, not only to move forward in life but for your overall mental health. We are going to discuss why it can feel so hard to forgive, if you should, how forgiveness benefits you, and finally how to do it.
Forgiving a person who hurt you is often hard because it requires confronting or re-visiting painful feelings and memories. It is always uncomfortable to face upsetting emotions. However, the irony is that once you do, they sometimes subside very quickly.
The other reason is that many people have misconceptions about forgiveness. For example, you may associate forgiving with approving of or condoning unacceptable behavior. You may (consciously or unconsciously) believe that forgiving opens you up to further hurt or abuse. You may think that forgiveness means you received a heartfelt apology from the offender.
It’s none of these. It is actually more of an internal decision you make, and then a processing of emotions within yourself. That’s why I put this blog post in the “your personal energy” category instead of “relationships.” Of course it’s both, but the key many people miss is that it’s far more about you than the other person.
At the end of the day, forgiveness is a choice. It’s up to you whether you address feelings of anger, feelings of resentment, negative thoughts, or any associated depression or anxiety. You may not notice any of these symptoms right now. Either way, you can forgive — or choose not to. But there are a plethora of health benefits as well as other gifts if you do.
There’s no denying that working on forgiveness is heavy. It can be draining, overwhelming, and enraging, among other things. But committing to practicing forgiveness can lead to a huge lightening of your emotional and spiritual load. In addition, there is freedom and maybe even enlightenment on the other side. Here are some of the specific benefits you can look forward to.
Your blood pressure or heart rate may literally balance out as a result of acts of forgiveness. Carrying around hatred or hurt in your heart has a multitude of effects on the body and mind. They are not positive or healthy, and can even be measured via diagnostic tools. One study suggested that forgiveness led to reductions in blood pressure and improvements in cardiovascular recovery from stress.
Similarly to heart benefits, your immune system may get a boost from forgiving. And when you practice forgiveness, you are usually offloading anger, resentment, and stress. This creates space for hope, peace, compassion, and self confidence. Overall, it has a wonderful effect on your physical and emotional health.
Forgiveness also allows you to continue relating to or peacefully being around the person who hurt you (if you desire). If you hold a grudge or don’t clear resentment, it is usually quite challenging to continue a relationship. Or, you may constantly feel angry or bitter.
If the person in question is willing to discuss with you and/or take some accountability for their part, your connection can actually deepen and grow greatly. This ability to work through hurts and miscommunications is one of the top indicators that a relationship will be successful over the long term. Even if you forgive, you are not obligated to continue a relationship with the person. Sometimes leaving or setting a boundary is a much healthier choice (even if it’s a family member).
If you are ready to forgive, or at least open to considering it, here are some tips to get you started. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or other trusted confidante for support and advice as well; support groups are great too.
When you’ve been hurt, there are likely a whole spectrum of emotions happening. These may include rage, disgust, sadness, depression, anxiety, overthinking, obsession, regret, resentment, or even relief and clarity (if an event gave you closure, for example).
Emotions usually need to be felt in order to subside. You may fear that once the floodgates open, they’ll never close. But the opposite is true; this is what allows for their release. Sit with them, journal, meditate, listen to music, cry, scream, exercise, whatever feels right at any given moment. This is a very important grieving process. You may be surprised at how much lighter you feel afterward, or as you start to allow this.
What I mean by underlying dynamics is emotional experiences or perceptions that happen when you’ve been hurt. Two of the most profound and painful traumas are abandonment and abuse. For more details around how to heal from abandonment issues, where you felt left, ignored, or forsaken, read this blog here. And the second is when you’ve been abused, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, or spiritually. Facing and addressing these unique types of hurt will definitely increase your ability to forgive (or move you in that direction).
Finally, release control. Changing the past is not possible. You may understandably find yourself clinging tightly to an idea about how things “should” have gone or who you wanted someone to be. Ultimately, forgiveness is about acceptance. It is an intentional decision to let go of ill will or preoccupation with what happened. Release the power the person or situation has had on you. This usually takes time, and may require a frequent revisiting of your feelings and professional help. If you are spiritual or religious, prayer is a powerful method of releasing as well.
One day soon, you may find yourself feeling a lot more free. In many spiritual traditions, forgiveness is at the core. The famous line about if you hold a grudge, it being the equivalent of drinking poison and expecting the other person to die is accurate. Your own anger, resentment, and pain do not unfortunately change the person you feel wronged by, nor propel them to apologize. They fester within you and can contribute to symptoms if not dealt with over time. Give yourself and your heart the time, space, and respect to heal and process. Then, you will emerge as a stronger, happier, more resilient you!
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