Making mistakes is completely normal, and it’s often in these scenarios where we learn the most. However, forgiving yourself for past mistakes is not always easy. In fact, forgiving the self may be harder than forgiving others. There are many possible reasons for this, but it’s not an uncommon phenomenon. Being highly empathic or sensitive tends to increase this struggle to let yourself off the hook, ironically while OVER-excusing others’ behavior. Read more about the plight (and ultimate triumph) of being an empath in my blogs here and here (and access the whole category here).
In this post, we will talk about what self-forgiveness actually means and how to do it. This process is profoundly healing. It can reduce toxic guilt and shame, improve emotional well-being, and prevent the past from defining your future.
Some people remain stuck because they believe they don’t deserve forgiveness or that forgiving themselves would invalidate something that happened, to themselves or someone else. Keep in mind as an overall caveat that most folks who are concerned with how to forgive themselves are kind and good. Narcissists and abusers typically don’t worry about the effect of their actions at all (stemming from their own early abuse in many cases, which is another post; for more on that, start with this blog here).
While regret can at times provide valuable lessons, staying trapped in self-criticism rarely creates positive change. Accepting responsibility, making amends where possible, practicing self-compassion, and applying the lessons you’ve learned are key steps to building a future that reflects who you are today rather than who you were when the mistake occurred.
Self-forgiveness means taking responsibility for your actions or words without allowing them to permanently define your self-worth. It involves acknowledging what happened, processing difficult emotions, and choosing to move forward with greater awareness.
A simplified way to say it is to release resentment toward oneself. Healthy guilt can promote change and accountability, while toxic shame prevents healing. Think about how you treat yourself and how you treat your best friend. If they mess up or are struggling, you likely extend them compassion and grace. You yourself deserve this too, yet we may inadvertently withhold it.
An additional, important piece here is that self-forgiveness applies even if you haven’t hurt others. As I touched on above, if you are sensitive or a survivor, self-forgiveness is relevant and needed. Even if you did nothing wrong, blaming the self is a heartbreakingly frequent aftereffect to abuse or mistreatment. Because you have a pronounced ability to empathize with others, you may excuse or rationalize bad behavior. You may also have unconsciously taken on the guilt that should be shouldered by a toxic person. This is even more likely if it occurred in childhood.
Being human means being imperfect. But we can get easily caught up in guilt, regret, or shame. Often this is happening unconsciously, which makes it of course all the more tricky to heal. What I mean is that you are not fully aware of how unforgiveness is impacting your mental health and confidence over time.
One of the most insidious ways this occurs is through negative self-talk. When you criticize yourself constantly (or even a little bit), it reinforces shame loops and can keep you stuck. For more on how to stop ruminating thoughts, read this blog here.
Other reasons you should consider forgiving yourself include the following.
Here are some of the reasons it may feel challenging to forgive yourself and let go:
Below is a step by step framework on how to forgive yourself for past mistakes or difficulties.
Either with the person in question or within yourself, acknowledge what occurred. Without minimizing or exaggerating, clearly define the scenario or emotion. Then be honest about the mistake without denying or rewriting it.
Recognize your role and the impact it had on yourself or others. Take ownership of your part in it. There is a difference between accountability and taking responsibility for your side of the street, and self-condemnation. Excessive punishment of any kind, whether it be verbal, emotional, energetic, is not needed or healthy. You (or the other person/group) likely did the best you could at the time (when not outright abuse). Each party ideally owns their actions and words.
Sit with any feelings associated with the mistake or situation. These may include guilt, shame, regret, sadness, disappointment, confusion, or anger. Allow them to be there and come up. Breathe through it. By bringing presence to your emotions, you are allowing them to flow and ultimately subside. They don’t need to define you, and understanding this becomes possible once they are felt.
Focus on what the experience taught you and how it shaped your awareness. What lesson or growth could come from this? Did you learn anything? It could be about communication or conflict resolution in general, or about that relationship in particular. Maybe there were learnings about the personality, preferences, or boundaries of people involved. Any and all insights are valuable.
If possible, apologize to the person or people in question. Put effort into repairing the relationship or situation if other parties are available. You can also take corrective action where appropriate. For example, offer to fix the mistake, pay restitution, or explain where you were coming from and why you did or said what you did (not as an excuse, but as honest reflection).
Replace harsh self-criticism with a more balanced and understanding perspective. One tool I like to suggest for this is affirmations, or simply starting to tell a more compassionate story (both internally and to others). Play around with speaking and thinking more lovingly toward yourself, and you may be surprised at the results. Maya Angelou once said, “don’t bring negative to my door,” and we can apply that to our own internal world.
For more detailed support around ways to love yourself, read this blog here.
Commit to healthy, forward movement. Growth requires looking forward rather than endlessly reliving the past. You are probably already committed to growth if you are reading this blog. You can also speak this commitment to relevant people, or simply focus on it in your mind and heart. Set an intention to forgive yourself while also changing any actions that need it. This process restores self-trust as well as trust with others.
Thank you for joining me today, and for your dedication to healing and growth. If more people reflected in this way, the entire world would benefit greatly. You are one part in that wave of positive change!
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