I would argue that most abuse is hidden. The scars, both physical and emotional, are also often hidden in plain sight. Most of us are carrying around invisible wounds in a metaphorical backpack, whether from abuse or other struggles. Like the popular quotation says, be kind, because you don’t know the battles people are facing.
Even when abuse doesn’t leave physical signs, it can have a deep and lasting impact on a person’s life. In today’s post, we are going to talk about hidden abuse and how to heal from it.
Abuse is a type of trauma. And generally speaking, trauma is an event that causes severe emotional distress. It overwhelms the individual’s capacity to cope or process what occurred. Common responses to trauma include fear, helplessness, confusion, dissociation, rage, shame, anxiety, and depression.
There are many forms of abuse, including physical, sexual, emotional, mental, spiritual, and financial. They all intentionally cause harm or injury to another person. Abuse often involves a pattern of behavior used to exert power or control. Abusive relationships may involve an individual or a group of people (like in cults or the workplace). In romantic relationships, it can escalate to domestic violence or domestic abuse. Recovery from psychological abuse or emotional abuse can be just as daunting and intense as physical at times.
While no one would consciously choose it, there can be gifts and lessons during a journey of healing. But that does not mean harm done is fair or necessary. A red flag in many spiritual communities is the emphasis on past lives or karma as the alleged “cause.” While this concept may or may not be true in a cosmic sense, it is certainly not ethical to convey to survivors of abuse. For more on this topic, read my blog here.
Hidden of course means obscured, out of sight, or not visible. And this shroud of secrecy is one of the hallmarks that makes abuse so insidious. Victims may either feel inside themselves, or due to a perpetrator telling them so, that they must hide what happened. This is usually due to the massive amount of shame associated with abuse. It is misplaced shame in the sense that the perpetrator should be feeling it, but instead they inflict that shame upon the victim purposely (or inadvertently as part of the abusive cycle). The victim ends up, heartbreakingly, shouldering this toxic shame.
These dynamics are especially strong when abuse or trauma occurs during childhood. Children are so extremely vulnerable, and more likely to be manipulated into silence. After abuse is over, and even if the victim gets help, effects linger. Some people understand that trauma residue is what they are experiencing, while many others haven’t yet connected the dots. And still others have what is called dissociative amnesia, where they have forgotten or blocked out what happened. Memory loss related to trauma is more common than you might think. It is a defence mechanism or coping tool of the mind, body, and spirit.
The signs of abuse that is hidden or covert may be subtle or obvious. Here are some of the most common ones. Be careful not to jump to conclusions too, as these signs can occur for other reasons. To learn more specifically about signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults, read this blog.
An abusive person is seeking control, consciously or unconsciously. In order to optimally get and maintain control, isolation is required. Isolating the victim is usually a process of separating them from their circle and coming in between people. Look out for this sign in relationships around you, especially friends and family. Has someone dropped off the map? Do they not respond or reach out so much anymore? Are you doing that because you feel pressured by someone in your life?
Abuse usually involves some sort of gaslighting, which erodes the victim’s sense of self and worth over time. This may make the person more timid, unsure, erratic, anxious, depressed, or even angry. Their boundaries have been violated or ignored, likely repeatedly. And this is likely interspersed with love bombing and positive behaviors. Addictions and unhealthy coping mechanisms may pop up too. Do you recognize this in yourself or others?
Hidden abuse may lead to symptoms in the body as well. Always seek help from a medical provider first, but keep in mind that everything is connected. One way to look at it is that pain or emotions are energy, and that energy must go somewhere. Chronic pain of various kinds (such as headaches or fibromyalgia) or other ailments can be the way that energy is manifested. It’s not fair or pleasant, but it’s your psyche knocking at your door saying: “something isn’t right” or “look at this.”
It can take some trial and error to find the right fit(s) for your healing process, but the effort is always worth it. YOU are worth it. Part of the wreckage that abuse tends to leave in its wake is a lack of self-worth, hope, or personal agency. Healing is possible, and you owe it to yourself to persevere. A brighter day awaits, especially with the following tools and resources.
Sharing honestly with a trauma or abuse-informed professional can be profound. It almost always eases the emotional burden when it’s a safe space. And the therapist can properly guide you through any overwhelming feelings or memories. A therapist-led support group is also a good option. If you have a trusted person in your life you feel comfortable with, you can lean on your own support system too.
EMDR is a healing method often used for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It involves bilateral stimulation while sharing traumatic memories. The most common type of bilateral stimulation is side-to-side eye movements. It is thought to help the brain process and file away painful memories. If you resonate with the idea of somatic healing, you can also read this blog about releasing trauma from the body.
Good old self-care and a healthy lifestyle can also take you far. Abused people may be less likely to treat themselves with the care they deserve. Take a look at your daily and weekly habits and take inventory. Some practices that should help include balanced nutrition, exercise, breathwork, and fun or laughter.
Physical activity, especially rigorous, is powerful for emotional release. Run it out, lift weights, do yoga, jump on a trampoline, whatever appeals to you. Even walking, especially in nature, is wonderful, and brings minimal wear and tear on the body. Deep breathing can help the body and mind calm down by engaging the parasympathetic nervous system (responsible for “rest and digest”). Finally, try to have some fun! Go on a trip, watch a funny movie, laugh with friends. You can also try these inner child healing exercises. Big hug to you!
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