Everyone needs a friend – and if you’re lucky, several. Friends are one of the great joys of life. Of course, fair weather or fake friends don’t count. A true friend is someone who has your back and is loyal. He or she roots for you and is excited right along with you when good things happen in your life.
If you have social anxiety, however, making friends may seem like a difficult or daunting process. Read on for a practical guide on how to effectively and successfully make friends even with social anxiety.
Before we get into some specific tips, let’s cover what social anxiety is. That way, you can better understand your situation and how best to move forward toward making new friends.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, social anxiety disorder (formerly called social phobia) is defined as persistent fear of one or more social situations or performance type situations. The situations may involve being exposed to new, unfamiliar people or scrutiny.
Symptoms of social anxiety include fear or preoccupation around:
As with other mental health conditions, managing social anxiety can be challenging. Social situations are everywhere, from home to work to school to dating to travel to sports to music, and more. If you often feel judged, or worry about being judged, you may relate to social anxiety.
Current data suggest that about 15 million U.S. adults, or 7 percent, experience social anxiety. Rest assured that it is quite common (like other types of anxiety). You are not alone!
The cause of social anxiety varies from person to person. Here are some common triggers:
Some people have a combination of these, and they might vary at different points in life. Shame is common with social anxiety, but try not to shame yourself. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of many possible manifestations when it comes to mental health. Past trauma and hardship unfortunately often correlate. But social anxiety is treatable and not always lifelong.
The specific way that social anxiety shows up can vary by person and situation. But here are the most common signs of social anxiety you may witness in yourself or others:
We all need friends. And it’s a myth that only introverts or sensitive people experience anxiety. If you’re wondering, “can extroverts have social anxiety?” check out this blog here. While making friends is certainly an extroverted activity, every single human craves and deserves connection. Here are 6 strategies to help you make friends while having social anxiety.
There is no rush. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, take a break or excuse yourself. Don’t overschedule new friend dates for example, or keep visits shorter at first. If you’re an introvert, you might especially need a day or weekend in between social gatherings to decompress and rest. As you gradually increase social time at a rate comfortable for you, your anxiety may decrease bit by bit (this is a sort of “exposure therapy”).
Sharing vulnerably can feel scary, especially with a new person. But showing the real you is what ensures the best results in terms of making connections. Your unique quirkiness is what makes you lovable. That being said, only share with people who seem trustworthy and maybe don’t do it on a first meeting, for example.
No one is perfect, including you! Don’t beat yourself up if you feel that you said the wrong thing or got nervous in the process of making new friends. Other people likely feel the exact same way and might be judging themselves too without you realizing. Self-compassion is key.
Getting out into the world is a great way to encounter potential new friends. If you have any hobbies or special interests, look into local groups engaging in those activities. Examples include a run club, book club, or any kind of social circle. These are great places to practice your social skills and engage in small talk, especially if they meet somewhere low stress like a coffee shop. You can also get a sense of which people seem open and positive through body language and other in-person cues. If you are focused on something else and especially something you love, it also tends to decrease anxiety.
Your gut is never wrong. It is picking up on all sorts of information beneath the surface, especially when you are around new people. If you feel uncomfortable or that something is off, heed that warning. And definitely if someone puts you down, shames you, or uses too-strong sarcasm in early meetings, consider stepping back. Even with social anxiety, your intuition can be trusted. In fact, socially anxious people sometimes have even stronger intuition than the average person (all part of being an empath). If you’re worried that it might be too sensitive, take some time to process how you feel before acting.
The “voice” of anxiety may seem loud or foreboding. Remember that it is often irrational and you do not have to believe the fear messages. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be really helpful in addressing your negative thoughts and emotions in a healthier way. You might also consider visualization. This means imagining a social scenario or plan you have before it happens. Imagine it going well and feeling empowered and happy.
If someone you care about is struggling with social anxiety, you can support them in a few ways. The main tip is to be patient and understanding. Listen without judgment and let them know they can always come to you. Learn more about social anxiety and help guide them to more positive assessments if appropriate. Gently encourage baby steps, and celebrate wins even if very small. For example, maybe they attended a new event or completed a goal. You can also offer to help with tasks or chores, which can alleviate anxiety. Thank you for your sensitivity, they are lucky to have you!
Start to notice your thoughts and fears. Is there something in particular that tends to trigger a spiral? What comes up before, during, or after social interactions? Mindfulness meditation, where you focus on your breath and the present moment, can help you learn awareness. You might also like to journal about it or share with a friend.
Overthinking and social anxiety often stem from low self-esteem or worries about rejection. These are natural, human fears, and may be exacerbated by trauma. Self-compassion is not just fluff, but the very real practice of offering yourself the same grace or patience you would offer your best friend. You deserve that!
Once you’ve tuned in with the above steps, it’s often extremely effective to tune OUT. In other words, focus hard on what the other person is saying or on the environment around you. In some cases, you can do this step alone without inward focus. Social anxiety tends to be caused by too much self-focus. So, before, during, and after interactions, stay trained on the relationship or connections you are grateful to have.
There you have it! I hope you’ve gained some good tips and insights from this blog about making friends for people with social anxiety. Anxiety of all kinds is extremely common in today’s crazy world. Give yourself a lot of love when navigating social situations and meeting new people.
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