Humanity is stressed right now, to say the least – in some ways more than ever. And that’s not even touching on the horrors of war, poverty, and oppression that plague our world.
In a more mundane way, stress affects everyone, nearly all the time. Modern society means constant connectedness via the internet, phone, email, and social media – and yet, there is more loneliness than ever.
The consequences of frequent or intense stress are a multitude. It all becomes too much and leads to overwhelm. Then what? Our body and mind must cope.
Coping can be defined as the internal resources and reactions that arise to manage stressful situations. Coping mechanisms are typically done consciously or purposely, while defense mechanisms are done unconsciously (without awareness). They are both invoked to reduce stress in the brain, psyche, and emotional body.
Unhealthy coping strategies are negative coping responses that don’t tend to work over time. They can lead to bad habits and ultimately cause more harm than good. Initially they may relieve pain or provide an effective distraction, but there’s a cost.
Avoidance coping, in other words using avoidant behaviors to manage stress, is quite common. These defence mechanisms are done to avoid, numb, or distract from a difficult situation (either consciously or unconsciously). They may feel easier, or even highly effective, in the moment. Confronting the issue or finding a solution may simply be too taxing. But avoiding emotionally over the long term is not healthy and may lead to additional problems and symptoms.
While there is not one ideal way to approach stress or change, there are certainly healthier methods. Avoidance is typically a defense mechanism, yes. This means we are defending ourselves against the pain or repercussions of a situation. Instead of feeling it or dealing with it, we avoid or hide.
Many people do not even realize that they have moved into avoidant coping. It is automatic or unconscious. Defense mechanisms are self-protective and utilized beneath conscious awareness. They usually came into play for the first time in childhood or through early experiences, especially traumatic ones.
For more specifically on unhealthy coping mechanisms for grief, read this blog next.
There are three main causes of avoidant coping from my perspective.
As I noted above, traumatic experiences often birth avoidant coping tools. We are just trying to get through it, and this carries forward. In an evolutionary sense, our organism aka body is doing what it can to preserve life and homeostasis (status quo). Especially if we didn’t have the support we needed at the time (which most of us don’t), defense mechanisms begin to take over.
The “fight or flight” (or freeze or fawn) cycle that our body automatically goes into during stress is fear based. This is natural, but may result in unhealthy coping. When fear overwhelms the body or mind, we seek the quickest relief possible. For some of us, that turns into an avoidant attachment style, where our instinct is to create distance or run (especially in relationships).
If we grew up seeing family members or other significant teachers, mentors, or friends doing certain behaviors, we may adopt these too. A lot of what we learn is by observation (not intentionally).
So for example, if you grew up in a narcissistic family system or around people who used alcohol to cope, you might take up these patterns as well without realizing. If you were taught to suppress feelings because they make others uncomfortable, you may avoid or dismiss your own.
Here are some examples of avoidant defence mechanisms. They may be used to cope with day to day life, trauma, or big and small life challenges.
Stopping avoidance means facing the issue at hand. Flip the script and confront the stress, loss, trauma, or conflict.
The term “active coping” is sometimes used to describe this healthier tactic. It can be divided into four categories. Check in with yourself; do any resonate?
If your avoidance relates to a problem (it usually does), stop running from it. This can be the most effective coping tool because it helps get to the root or cause. Is there a solution or response you can find? What small step or even mental shift can you make at this moment?
Give yourself some quiet time to reflect. Seek advice from a trusted friend or mental health professional if you’re stuck. Learning healthy communication skills should help you say what needs to be said as well.
Your emotions aren’t going anywhere. If you ignore or suppress them, their energy is still lurking beneath the surface (road rage anyone?) All it takes is to honestly acknowledge how you feel. Then let your feelings flow in a safe space. Cry, journal, exercise, sit with yourself. Emotions usually pass much more quickly than you expect when you allow them to breathe.
Hard times or trauma sometimes have a silver lining. This doesn’t make things OK or invalidate suffering, but you will likely grow through it or learn a lesson. Consider how you could find meaning in the situation.
Social support is essential for healing. Sometimes alone time or individual processing is powerful too, but community is profound. Spending time with trusted friends or family, or even a therapist, can vastly alleviate stress.
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