In a way, putting people on pedestals is natural. Our society inadvertently (or advertently, depending on your perspective) promotes the notion that certain things are extra special or out of reach. This pedestalizing is harmless at times, but can also have a whole host of negative downstream effects.
That’s on a macro level, but for our purposes today let’s look at it from a micro relationship perspective. Putting people on a pedestal is very common in romantic relationships, friendships, family dynamics, and even workplace environments. But consistently placing someone above yourself can create unhealthy expectations, emotional imbalance, and disappointment over time.
When a person is on a pedestal, they are usually being viewed as better, more important, or more perfect than they actually are. The truth is, of course, that no one is perfect or inherently more valuable than another. We are all flawed humans doing our best (most of the time, when it’s not an abuser).
Putting someone on a pedestal involves overlooking flaws, prioritizing their needs above your own, or placing excessive emotional value on their approval and attention. It is an unhealthy power dynamic that often leads to the destruction or deterioration of a connection. Healthy relationships, on the other hand, involve give and take, a relatively even balance of power, and fair or realistic expectations.
Every situation is unique, but putting others on a pedestal generally stems from one of the following dynamics:
The word pedestal literally means a foundation or base to hold something up (like a statue, column, or altar). Thus, you are looking “up” at this person from “below.” Below implies you are less than, in other words you lack a healthy level of self-esteem. When you value yourself, you are not as inclined to perceive someone as more important than you.
If you have a history of trauma, neglect, or loss (or even sometimes if you don’t), you may fear abandonment. Read this blog here for more detail on this and how to heal it. But in summary, if you are consciously or unconsciously worried about being left, you may put yourself down or view others as better than you.
If we are seeking validation from others, usually due to social anxiety or low self-worth, we may put them on a pedestal. Feeling less than or insecure tends to lead to viewing other people or things as above (as I just touched on). That puts anyone in a tenuous position where getting approval or positive feedback feels almost like life or death.
Most of us grew up on romantic comedies, movies or books with tortuous love stories, or good old societal programming about how a romantic partner is the answer to problems. But no one can save you, fix your life, or heal personal unhappiness.
Love can certainly add a lot of meaning and fulfillment, but it can get toxic when we are projecting everything good onto them (and therefore usually denying our own goodness or value). To address unrealistic expectations in relationships, click here.
To learn more about trauma bonding and how to deal with it, read my blog here. Overall though, unhealthy attachments go hand in hand with pedestals. If you have an anxious attachment style or relate to that, you are probably overly concerned with how you are coming across and being received.
Relatedly to number one above, if you tend to compare yourself to others and come up short (in your own mind), this can cause pedestalizing tendencies. Work on building up your own self-worth so that you no longer devalue yourself. The inevitable result of comparing for most people (who aren’t narcissists) is a lowering of self. This is related to the brain’s natural bias toward the negative as a survival mechanism.
Hence the popular saying, “comparison is the thief of joy.” Indeed! There are always things we can find that are somehow less than. Stop this cycle in its tracks now.
Here are some of the most common ways we may put someone on a pedestal:
Admiration itself is not bad or unhealthy. However, problems arise when admiration becomes self-sacrifice, low self-worth, tolerance of mistreatment, or emotional dependency.
As I just touched on, putting someone above you can become dangerous. When you do so, the following themes may start to arise:
The following are likely effects of perceiving someone as higher than you in value or importance.
Putting someone on a pedestal usually affects what, how, and when you share things. You may monitor yourself or worry that if you are honest, the person will leave or react negatively. The admirer may suppress their needs or opinions. This stifles healthy relationships.
Eventually, the person on the pedestal will pick up on this dynamic. It may seem flattering at first, but truly it is detrimental. The pedestalized person may feel overwhelmed by pressure or responsibility. A standard or expectation of perfection or idealization is not sustainable.
Avoiding conflict is also not healthy or sustainable. You block authenticity from flourishing and thus prevent deepening of the relationship. Read all about conflict avoidance, what it is, and how to handle conflict in my blog here.
Feeling inferior usually causes or is the result when putting people on a pedestal. And this leads to being dependent on others for validation or happiness. Echoing other themes I’ve just gone over, all that pressure is not good for either party or the connection as a whole.
Overall, inequality in a relationship often spells its demise. It is no longer (or never was) a safe space for each person to be themselves. Subtle digs or resentment may begin to take root. Learn about passive-aggressive examples in relationships here in this blog.
The following are some tips to help balance out your relationship dynamics so that no one is improperly on a pedestal:
Congratulations on committing to growth by reading this post today! Now you have the tools and understanding to begin to evaluate your relationship (or past or future ones). Work on your self-worth so that you feel strong and valuable and no longer place others above you. I’ve linked many of my related blogs throughout this one to help you on that journey. You might also like to start with this one here.
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