You are the main character of your life. And your self or “beingness” shapes your experiences as well as how you regard YOU. In this post, we will talk about practical ways to develop a healthy sense of self via two constructs: self-concept and self-esteem. These closely related but slightly different terms describe how people see, understand, and value themselves. They also affect the interpretation of life events, as well as relationships, everyday challenges, and more. Self-concept and self-esteem are a huge part of mental health.
Self-concept is the internal picture of who you are. It is not surface level personality traits, but rather your identity and inner sense of self. It can vary according to each area of life. For example, you may have a strong self-concept in relationships, but a less confident one in terms of money, health, or friends.
Concepts of self can shift over time and through different phases of life, even though the bulk of self-concept develops early on. That’s because during childhood and some parts of adolescence, the brain operates mostly in theta or hypnosis, which means it takes in everything without a filter. Ideas of self are absorbed and solidified based on what is happening and who is there. To better understand self-concept, read my blog about what is the concept of self.
Self-esteem refers more to fluctuating feelings related to accomplishments, skills, or mistakes. Read this blog next if you need support around how to forgive yourself for past mistakes. Healthy self-esteem can become stable when it derives more from internal values than from external approval. Ideally, internal values reflect a positive self-regard. For example, knowing you are good enough, a worthwhile human, and lovable. Tragically, early trauma (or any trauma) such as abuse, abandonment, or neglect, tends to hinder good self-esteem and self-concept. This is not always the case, but it is common and terribly unfair for victims.
Self-concept and self-esteem are often confused but are not the same. They overlap in some ways, as I’ve just described. You can learn more here in my blog about how to build your self-worth as well. We will now get into the components of self-concept and esteem, and how to build them up to be strong, healthy, and positive.
The way you understand and describe yourself influences self-esteem. Self-concept includes your recurring beliefs about yourself, life, and other people, and thus acts as a filter. I mentioned the idea of a filter above too, as it relates to what we absorb in our young years (when a psychological filter is not yet established). You are probably starting to see a big theme here: how we see ourselves (and everything else) becomes a filter through which we interpret life.
As a result, it trickles down to more variable and changing aspects of self like self-esteem. Self-esteem can of course also be influenced by other factors like relationships, experiences, and environment. This is all closely related to belief systems as well; to learn more about that, read this blog next.
Here are the steps I recommend if you would like to upgrade your self-concept and self-esteem, or just check in with yourself and explore these ideas further. It may feel overwhelming at first, as you start to realize how you have been perceiving yourself and if it falls short of what you would like it to be.
Be kind to yourself and go one day at a time. It takes a lot of courage to investigate these things honestly. And remember that working on this doesn’t translate to feeling good all the time. In fact, caring for yourself often involves messy, uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, or experiences. That’s the path of growth and transformation. But the effort is well worth it, and you will see that with time.
The first step is gaining clarity. When you think about yourself in relation to an area of life (such as career, relationships, family, money, etc.), what is your first thought? Herein often lies the truth of your self beliefs. What is your point of view, perspective, or “reasoning” for why this part of life is the way it is, or why you are the way you are? Do this for all areas that you would like to examine. Journal on it, meditate, or simply reflect.
Most of us have lived through trauma or other difficulties like loss, abuse, or betrayal. Consider what you might have picked up (often inadvertently) through those experiences. Did an early life event change how you view yourself? Did you develop a particular belief around relationships after a painful breakup? Most of these patterns are hidden, until they’re not.
As you uncover your self-concept and self-esteem related beliefs, reflect on what you would like to choose instead. What is a more balanced, realistic, or hopeful way to see yourself?
Begin to feed yourself encouragement instead of negative thoughts and self-talk. The inner critic and negative emotions usually stem from limiting beliefs. Flip them into the opposite or more positive thought patterns (such as, “I am capable and doing my best” or “I am worthy of love”). How would you speak to a good friend? Play around with what feels most pressing or doable at this moment. It may feel foreign compared to what you’re used to, but this is actually a sign of real growth.
Because a new concept of self or higher self-esteem often does feel foreign until it is integrated, reinforcement is needed. In other words, commit to the practice. It is a practice by definition because it is not just one and done; it requires repetition. Think about the way you learned your multiplication tables or how to ride a bike as a kid. You repeatedly practiced, until it stuck and became automatic. This process is called neuroplasticity: the brain’s ability to rewire and create new neural pathways.
Whenever you are triggered or a topic comes up in your mind, or an issue arises in life, remind yourself of who you now are (or would like to be). Over time, you and your brain will get used to this new, more positive self-perception, and ultimately will accept it. But it can take time. Don’t give up! You are worth it.
A final and very important tip I have for you on this journey is working with your inner child. Whenever we make changes, the tender, young version of yourself may feel scared or uncomfortable. Establishing a new normal, no matter how much better or happier it may be, is still different and unknown. This younger part is still inside you, and is the one that is usually most affected by emotional changes (and by other life events too). Therefore, he or she deserves some TLC. To read more about how to connect with and heal your inner child, check out this blog next. And if you’re interested in going deeper in this process, stay tuned for my forthcoming ebook for empaths. I’m sending you a hug!
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