The mental health term gaslighting has joined the vernacular in recent years. This is mostly welcome, except for the times it is co-opted by narcissists or abusers (aka, when they use DARVO: defend, attack, reverse victim and offender). But overall, the more awareness about unhealthy relationship dynamics that exists, the better.
Mistreatment is quite common, and it often takes a slightly more subtle form like gaslighting. It can happen gradually or be difficult to identify (like the boiling frog analogy). It may be obvious too, but for most of us, we are not expecting such behavior and may not recognize gaslighting until later.
Luckily, you are ahead of the game in reading this blog. Or maybe you’ve already been through gaslighting or other abuse. Either way, congratulations on educating yourself – and getting through it. You are healing and empowering yourself, and can now be a resource for friends and family as well. This post will help you better understand what gaslighting looks like and the effect it has on people.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a person or group manipulates one or more others. Over time, victim(s) are made to question their perception of reality. It is insidious and destabilizing, to say the least. If someone frequently leaves you feeling confused or hurt in a particularly covert way, it is natural to wonder if you are “crazy.” Sadly, that is the goal, whether consciously or unconsciously. When you question your own sanity or worth, you are easier to control and exploit.
Context and patterns matter greatly when identifying gaslighting in a relationship. Learning how to distinguish gaslighting from ordinary disagreements, misunderstandings, differences in memory, or occasional poor communication can help you recognize when a pattern is cause for concern. To read more about can gaslighting can be unintentional, check out this blog here.
Gaslighting in the context of a romantic relationship typically involves denying, distorting, minimizing, or challenging another person’s perception of events. It is a method of gaining control via emotional and psychological abuse. The abuse may take the form of lying, dismissing, putting down, guilting, shaming, withholding, or being ostracized or labeled. The impact of gaslighting behaviors are devastating, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, at work, or with family. To learn about what are the 4 types of gaslighting, read this blog next.
The term gaslighting comes from a 1939 play and subsequent 1944 movie called Gaslight. It follows an abusive relationship between husband and wife. The husband manipulates his wife via strange behaviors like dimming and brightening the gaslights in their house, then denying that any of it is happening. His wife is repeatedly made to doubt herself and eventually believes his lies about how she is losing touch with reality. This is a classic abuse tactic of shifting blame and responsibility onto the victim.
Repeatedly having your perception, memories, or feelings challenged or disregarded is majorly detrimental. Here are 4 common gaslighting effects.
Inherent in gaslighting is making someone doubt themselves, as we’ve discussed. Eventually, or even quite quickly, this can turn into constant second-guessing or not trusting your intuition or perception of reality.
As a result of the chronic self-doubt, a hit to confidence, self-esteem, or self-worth is inevitable in many cases. Over time, gaslighting tactics can erode confidence without the person even realizing it.
A further downstream effect that can arise is anxiety and/or depression. A sense of powerlessness or hopelessness may come up as part of these.
Even if it doesn’t feel like you have PTSD, narcissistic abuse and gaslighting can have serious long-lasting effects. This treatment tends to evoke a trauma response, meaning one or more of the following: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fine, or faint. Read my blog here for more details on trauma responses. It’s important to get professional support and disentangle yourself emotionally as well as physically and psychically to start recovery.
Below are 8 examples of gaslighting. There are of course many variations, but hopefully these will give you a good idea of what to look out for.
Here are three foundational ways to deal with gaslighting and start to free yourself from an unhealthy connection.
One of the keys to breaking free is trusting yourself. I repeat: TRUST YOURSELF. Many of us were taught that we can’t trust ourselves, or shouldn’t – not to mention how society and certain groups teach this on a grand scale. The truth is that your gut and intuition is almost never wrong. If something feels uncomfortable or off, there’s a reason.
Tuning in might include meditating, journaling, or even noting down examples of times you feel gaslit. If these occur in a professional context, logs or emails can be submitted later to human resources or a manager if appropriate. If in a personal relationship, looking back can be therapeutic and provide clarity. You can also share with trusted friends or confidantes for feedback.
Once you trust yourself, or are on your way, it’s much easier to speak up and communicate. Even if you are terrified or shaking, state what you are not OK with or hurt by. If the person is manipulative again, too defensive, or unwilling to take any accountability, now you know for sure.
Stay calm when possible and use clear language, such as: I disagree, I don’t see things that way, I am not crazy or imagining things, the facts don’t lie. Assert your reality and feelings and stand firm in your perspective. If it turns hostile or aggressive, ask to reconnect later or simply end the relationship.
Speaking clearly may include setting boundaries, meaning communicating limits you are comfortable with or lines you won’t cross or tolerate. Give the person a chance to respect your boundaries. If they can’t, it may be time to consider extricating yourself or disengaging.
If you suspect the person might get violent, either emotionally or physically, contact a local crisis center/domestic violence hotline or therapist as soon as possible. You need to get a safety plan in place to protect yourself. Contact a friend or family member for support as well if you can. Maybe they can pick you up or help you move, if such things need to happen.
You deserve better than abusive or gaslighting treatment. Protect yourself by following these steps. Resist the temptation to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE). Practicing radical acceptance may be helpful too, because this person is probably not going to change. It’s possible, but change typically only happens when an individual has a sincere desire and commitment to doing so. Gaslighters and narcissists often won’t admit to any wrongdoing.
Take care of your mental health and get out. Healing and happier times await you on the other side. Remember that even if you feel hopeless or like you don’t have any other options, YOU DO. Trauma brain is real, meaning you may feel trapped, stuck, or unworthy, but these cognitions are false. Sending you love and light!
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